Over the precipice
by Fruitcake2015
Summary: Warning: Major character death - *slightly angsty*. Set to series 8, if beyond good and evil had happened differently. What would have happened if Lizzie and Robbie had gone to the pumping station and the unthinkable had happened. How do Laura and James cope without the major linchpin in their lives? Does the tragedy rip them apart or bring them together?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: This story is for fan purposes only, all characters belong to ITV.**

**This is my first ever fan fiction, so apologies if it isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread. This story popped into my head after the last episode of the latest series of Lewis, and I've been struggling to get it out since. I would genuinely hate it if this happened, because I love the fact that Hobson and Lewis are finally something! This is if Robbie and Lizzie had gone to the pumping station and been killed - please don't hate me for it - and how the remaining characters cope with it. I hope to continue with the story but am starting a new / first job next week. I've also rated it T because I don't know where this will go.**

Laura put the phone down, and considered what Jean had just informed her through the haze of drink; James had turned up to work drunk, caused a massive scene, handed in his resignation and then left again, and Jean was obviously really worried and had rung her. Laura, picked up her glass and poured the remaining dregs of wine down her throat. Neither she nor Jean could really blame him for being in a drunken stupor, especially not her - it was only 2 in the afternoon and she was already somewhat drunk. She mused about what Jean had told her, although not surprised she did find it massively unsettling, especially how James was now acting. She needed to go and see him, he wasn't coping that much was obvious. She need to help him through this, because in helping him, maybe she could forget her own pain.

She rose unsteadily from the kitchen table, noting just HOW quiet the house was, especially now that Robbie's family had left_, _no Jack running around and giving the house some kind of warmth. As she walked unsteadily to the key bowl situated by the front door on the little table, she noted in her haze that Monty wasn't in his usual place, lazily stretched out underneath the window where the sun beam hit the floor. She knew she'd possibly had too much to drink by this point as she found herself wondering whether Monty had become like Grey friars Bobby, and that if she went to his grave, she might find Monty sitting there. She shook her head. Monty was a fickle cat at best and due to the chaotic few weeks that the household had been through he'd probably found someone else to feed him.

She paused by the table by the front door to pick up her keys, and realised with a sudden jolt that she shouldn't drive as she was probably already way over the limit. As she picked up the keys, she saw the other keys belonging to Robbie sitting there, glinting in the afternoon sun seemingly asking to be used by their owner. Suddenly she felt sick, a familiar wave of nausea flooding over her which came out of nowhere, rather like all the other times over the past 3 weeks. She tried to swallow it down, as she didn't want to be sick, not now. She knew that today it had come from her drinking and not eating. She also knew that her body needed her to eat, she'd seen several bodies on her mortuary slab ravished by drink and knew it was not the way she wanted to go, but couldn't face anything.

The nausea was still there and battling with her, so she made her way back to the kitchen and stood by the coffee machine, trying to decide between making herself a coffee or having a glass of water. Since he died, decisions had become so much harder. As she was hit by another nauseous wave, the decision was made for her, so she went to the sink, turning on the tap to make sure the hot water had run through and so it was ice cold whilst getting a glass down. _Jesus Laura. You really need to get your act together. This isn't good for anyone. You need to be sober! _

She finished her second glass of water - noting how she felt better and that the nausea had thankfully lessened - and made her way to the front door, hoping that the warm summer air would do her some good especially if she needed all her faculties ready for doing battle with him. He was enigmatic at best. On her way back to the front door, she stopped, trying hard not to look at the other set of keys and picked up the James' solitary key next to the bowl. Robbie had made sure when James had left for Spain that they had a spare key, just to keep his flat free from damp or whatever Robbie had been worried about. She could crumble right there, into the grief that seemed to be like the nausea and wave like. But she needed to see James. Make the lad see sense. Crumbling here whilst James was on the other side of Oxford wasn't going to do any good for either of them. She needed to see him, make sure he wasn't doing something stupid. She suddenly had so much to say to him, and she really couldn't let him give up the job, she couldn't wave goodbye to another person she loved.

Laura unlocked the door to James' flat and walked in. She knew he wouldn't like her doing this, but, she cared about him, and she had things that needed to be said. She peered around; the flat was dark, the curtains were pretty much drawn, with a small amount of light coming in from the windows and it smelt of cigarettes. She assumed that if the curtains were drawn there would be a smoky haze, like in the years before smoking was banned in pubs. Empty bottles were strewn around. She knew where she would find him, so from the times she'd been there before, she walked over to the tiny lounge. As her eyes got used to the gloom, she saw James' figure hunched in one of his brown leather arm chairs, long legs over the side. Beside the chair was a small table that she knew Robbie had brought him when he had moved in not so long ago, and as she had realised before she had even got to his flat, that there would be half empty bottle of scotch on the table, and the glass filled up.

James didn't even bother looking up as he heard her letting herself into the flat. He knew it was her. He knew the moment he had left work in his drunken state Innocent would ring her. It made him feel worse, he should be going to _HER_, not her coming to _HIM_. She was the one who needed looking after, not him. She was the one who had lost the love of her life. He took a long gulp of the scotch, feeling it burn, but not taking away the piercing pain in his chest, instead almost matching the pain.

Laura sighed as she watched him. She wanted to grab him and hug him, and protect him from the pain, but the James sitting in the chair wasn't probably going to thank her for that. So instead, although she hated scotch, she grabbed a glass from the side cabinet – not bothering to see whether it was clean or not her and poured herself a large glass. She realised she didn't need it – but right now, she needed some Dutch courage. She could tell just by him sitting there, that this was going to be a difficult conversation, she needed to tell him that she cared. She needed to make him stay.

She sat down in the other chair next to the table, holding her glass. 'James…'

He looked up at her… 'I know. I knew the moment I left she would…' He felt angry, and the bitterness showed in his voice, thought Laura.

'Because she cares, . I care. James this isn't you…you turn up to work drunk and then hand in your notice. You know she won't accept your resignation and what do you think she was going to do? Just leave you to it.'

'I hoped so…'

'James, I couldn't. You know that. You're one of the best detectives that the force has. I can't let you leave… you're… the only thing.. Where..' Laura struggled to find the right words as she stared down at her glass, then she plumped for the line that had been going round her mind since she woke up and took the first sip of wine; 'What would Robbie say?'

'Robbie?! Don't do that to me Laura.' He did his sarcastic little snort, that she was so used to him doing. He looked at her, and realised, even in the gloom of the flat he could see how the past 3 weeks had taken its toll on her. She looked so tired, thinner, gaunt, and looked like she had aged by about 10 years. _Christ. _'I just want to get away from here, the memories, the fact I feel like I've let everyone down that I love.'

Laura looked up at James in the gloom; 'Oh for god sake James, you've let no one down. You certainly haven't let me down. You would if you left though…'

'It would be better if I wasn't here in Oxford,' _Christ '_he was like a father figure to me Laura, and she was my sergeant…and I couldn't even stop them being killed!'

'James, none of them would have blamed you. Robbie wouldn't, Lyn doesn't…' She took a large sip of scotch, knowing that she hated it, but knowing it may make this conversation easier. She had to make him stay, and right now this wasn't working.

'Well.. Tony does. You should have seen how he looked at me at the funeral. Not that I blame him. …I should have been THERE, it should have been me! He screamed like a wounded animal, making Laura jump and threw the glass at the wall, shattering it. She looked at him, ready to scold him for behaving so stupidly, but instead realise as she glanced across at him that he was crying. His great shoulders shaking.

She'd never seen James cry, not even at either Lizzie or Robbie's funeral, well not that she knew of. She knew that he had to let it out. She put her glass down, and slowly made her way across to where James was sitting. She sat on the arm of the chair, rubbing his arm which just made him cry harder. She made what she hoped were comforting noises, telling him that it was OK, that she was here. _How can it be, I can barely look after myself _she thought

James hated himself for this, he hated that he was breaking down in front of HER, when really it should have been the other way round, but the more he thought about it, the more the pain in his chest seemed to suffocate him and he found himself unable to stop crying. He felt himself put his arms around the tiny doctors waist and let himself go into the grief. His throat felt raw and burning from the tears, but it felt right. She felt so comforting, and realised with some shock that he could feel her ribs, and even through his tears whether she'd eaten at all today.

He doesn't know how long he cries for, it could have been a minute, or an hour. Finally he stops, and as he sits there, arms around the tiny doctor, he feels drained, his body shuddering as he tries to get back his breath. 'Did that make you feel better? You shouldn't keep it all in James..' He could smell the scotch on her breath, and the smell of her perfume. James nodded, although now he felt somewhat embarrassed.

James peered at Laura, she looked so small. James was suddenly hit by this need to protect her, to be with her, to stop her feeling this immense pain. _Who was there for her? Who sat with her when she cried?_ If questioned later he would blame it on the scotch but suddenly he wanted to take away her pain, be there for her, be a comforting presence to her, and with that he couldn't stop himself leaning in to kiss her. Their mouths met, their tongues intertwined, desperately searching, almost like two drowning lovers seeking their last kiss. Then it became all teeth and tongue, and rough as they lost themselves to the kiss. He could taste the scotch on her, his hand went up to the back of her neck, bringing her closer to him, and he sucked at her tongue more deeply, his other hand still round her waist, her hand on his shoulder. Through the drunken haze the alarm bells started rang in his head, _what are you doing?! You're kissing Laura. Dr Hobson. Laura Hobson. The pathologist. YOU ARE KISSING ROBBIE'S LAURA. _

_Shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Finally managed to work out how to upload a chapter on here! Thank you so much for the lovely reviews so far, I just hope that these next few chapters are the same. Just a little warning that this is slightly smutty, but hopefully (!) in keeping with the T rating - if not, then I can only apologise. I also decided to leave it up to the audience's imagination at the end, because I thought it would help for the next chapter..**

It was a moment or two before he managed to put his thoughts together and act on them and he finally pulled away; guilt and panic washing over him. Hadn't she just comforted him, and he was now taking advantage of her? _You complete dolt James, what are you thinking?_

In the moment where he'd pulled away Laura could see the panic in his eyes even in the gloom, wide eyed - he looked like a startled rabbit caught in the headlights. _Oh James. _

'Shit, Laura.. Oh God. I don't know what I was thinking..' leaving the sentence hanging in mid-air and managing to scramble awkwardly out of the chair to a standing position; almost knocking her to the floor where she sat on the arm of the chair. He ran his hand through his short hair in complete despair of his actions; 'You should go Laura…' _I can't be with other people. I just destroy them. _

'James… don't' she said softly. The last thing this man needed was for her to just go. In fact it was the last thing _she_ needed. He looked at her, grabbed his glass of scotch from the table and downed it, smashing the glass onto the table. 'If I go now, when we do see each other again, it will be as awkward as hell, and I for one couldn't cope with it.' She looked up at him, he was slightly bent over, his hands covering his face. She took his bent arm, and with a bit of force, pulled the arm away from his face, and peered into his face.

'Look at me James..' _I need you._

He looked at her.. 'James, I don't want to go back to the… house…' _alone.. It wasn't warm anymore, it wasn't a home, a home had Robbie there._

'But…I took advantage of you comforting me' he protested

'James, trust me. I'm beyond all of that. It's OK. I don't want to be alone. I've never been in so much pain in my life, and I don't know how the hell to cope with it, _if I you do make me go, I'll end up going back to the house, drinking too much and then spend the evening staring down a toilet bowl, which I guess you'll do too. _The loneliness.. it's almost palpable. I need you, just as much as you need me, and making me leave isn't going to help either of us.'

She suddenly threw her hands up in despair, 'I just want to feel something that isn't pain!' She felt herself crumbling, so reached around, and poured herself another glass, drinking it in one go, wincing it as it went down her throat. _Why isn't the pain being numbed?_

James nodded, he knew exactly what she was saying, albeit he hadn't been in love with Robbie like her, rather he had lost his best friend, his mentor, a father figure that was more of a father then his own dad. _All those regrets, those harsh words in the prison, when Robbie was just worried, scared about what Lawrie could do. _That was before he even started to think about Lizzie. He looked at her sitting on the arm of the chair looking so small, her head facing towards the floor, her hand was still on his arm. James, moved forwards, and gently took the glass from her and put it on the table. He wrapped his arms around her, and brought her forwards to rest against his chest, his head resting against hers. For what seemed like an hour they stood there, in the quiet, listening to the cars rumble by; taking comfort and strength from just being there.

James suddenly felt a wetness on his shirt, and bent down to see that she was crying, not hard, but silent tears. He bent down so that he was face to face with her. He made himself look into her eyes, and was glad he couldn't see that well due to the fuzziness of the alcohol and the gloom of the room, otherwise he would probably start crying again if he could see the depth of the pain that would no doubt be in her eyes.

'Laura..'

'I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together..' she said softly. She could feel his breath on her face, his eyes even in the gloom looked haunted. Suddenly the scotch hit her all at once, and her thoughts became a jumble.

James looked at Laura concerned with her, eye to eye now. She put her head forwards, and rested her forehead against his, their lips millimetres apart, both feeling the hot breath that intermingled with each others. He knew what was about to happen, _he knew_ that he should stop her, perhaps make her something to eat, because, from the state of her he knew she hadn't eaten and they could pretend that this tension between them wasn't happening. Yet, he seemed incapable of it, even though he knew that this was an incredibly bad idea, even though he knew the guilt and everything else would hit him and her full force afterwards

Against his would be sober judgement, he bent his neck and his mouth met her mouth again. His tongue invaded her mouth, and their tongues started doing battle, his hands moving around to her back, pushing her closer. One hand in his hair, the other slowly moving down his bent form to his stomach, smoothing down his t-shirt, but desperately trying to find the end of it, so that she could pull it over his head.

She stood up from the arm chair, still in his grip and still urgently kissing him like they were drowning lovers, completely taken by the urgency. With one hand resting on the small of her back, his other hand worked its way up her back, and found the zip of her dress.

He stopped and pulled away from her; 'are you sure, Laura?'

Even though the scotch had affected her considerably, she knew why he asked, but she no longer cared; 'make me feel… alive', _I want to stop feeling pain. _As he lent over her again, his drunken mind but up another alarm bell, _not enough space, _

'Bed…?' Drink rendered incapable of finishing the sentence

Laura nodded, and holding his hand followed him through to his bedroom. Immediately as they went through the door, he was kissing her again, this time her tongue meeting his tongue, and then becoming all teeth and tongue, nothing tender about it at all. His hand travelled to where he knew the zip of her dress was and pulled the zip down. He realised that the dress wasn't moving in the direction he hoped, he stepped away from her, and pulled the dress over her head and chucked it on the floor next to them, at the same time she kicked off her shoes._. _This time, he slowly pushed her hair to one side, and started licking and biting her neck gently. She groaned, his hands working over the front of her body, tickling her stomach and then feeling their way to her breasts. He gently massaged them through her bra. She groaned again, as heat travelled throughout her body, whilst her hands travelled inside his t-shirt feeling around. Then she grabbed it and pulled it off, only for it to get stuck half way over his head. He had to stand up, as now part of the t-shirt was stuck on his chin, and she was slightly too small to pull it off all together. She giggled seeing James stuck in his t-shirt, and James as he pulled it off was suddenly struck by how the laughter seemed so right, yet so wrong at the same time.

Laura's hands travelled over the top half of his body, as they went back to doing battle in their mouths, their lips getting slightly sorer, due to the teethy urgent kisses. _Muscles! _–her drunken mind screamed. A hand had travelled from being inside her bra, to around the back to where the clasp was, whilst her hands travelled down to his belt, both them of them struggled to undo what they wanted due to the fuzziness of their minds, his second hand travelled down to help Laura undo his belt, and then as he felt the fabric go over the button, he went back to the bra clasp. He pulled freeing one of the little clasps, and then pulled at it roughly. The old bra clasp tore, releasing her breasts and at the same time his jeans fell down his legs, and pooled at his ankles, whilst she made light work on his boxers. As he broke apart from the kiss to step out of the jeans, and boxers she pushed him onto the bed that was in front of them, still standing over him meaning that as he sat up her breasts was in his eye line.

Her hands travelled through his hair, as his mouth met her nipples, making her groan with pleasure. _This is what I need. _His hands travelled down her waist to the edge of her knickers, then worked his hands over them to where he knew where her heat was, feeling the dampness of her against his fingers that had soaked through her knickers, he pushed his finger over the side of her knickers so that they had contact. He felt a stir in his loins, he played with her for a bit longer. The pleasure made her moan, _yes_.

She pushed his torso onto the bed, so that his finger left her, and his mouth left her breasts, and the pleasure dimmed slightly, but, as he moved up the bed, she could see that he was slightly erect and knew she wanted him in her. She needed him. She got onto the bed and between them the heat of the room rose…


	3. Chapter 3

As Laura woke she felt an arm over her and gentle snoring next to her _Robbie, _she smiled. Then the last few weeks hit her all at once, she opened her eyes, and looked to her right to see that the arm belonged to a naked James _Jesus_. Guilt and grief washing over her, _Christ, bloody pain _and with that her stomach turned, _my head!_ a massive wave of nausea flooded her, _SHIT. _She knew she had to get to the bathroom, NOW, she couldn't hold it down, and escaping James' limbs, she ran as fast as she could to the bathroom, just managing to get to the toilet in time.

James slowly came to, the noise of her leaving so fast had woken him. It took him a moment to figure out who was in his bathroom, and from the sounds of it, vomiting. _Laura! _Then '_Shit.. _then _I'm so thirsty.. Christ.. my head. _As he got up he realised he was naked, and trying desperately to put what he thought they may have done out of his mind, he made his unsteadily over to the back of the door and put on his dressing gown. He turned on the light as he padded into the lounge, making his way carefully through the shattered glass on the floor, the clothes, and cigarette butts, to the kitchen. He got two glasses down, and filled them up with cold water. He downed a glass, and then filled it up again, downing it for the second time, hoping it would help clear his head, and making him feel slightly more sober. As he filled Laura's glass, he looked at his watch _midnight. When.. How?_

He walked to the bathroom, the light that was on eliminated the room showing him that Laura too was naked, _shit_. His mind whirring to this fact, trying to overcome the headache, he also realised as he got closer, that even in the stale hot air in his flat, she was shivering, whilst a glistening of sweat covered her back from the effort of vomiting. He went back into his room to get her one his t-shirts to help her feel less exposed and to hopefully stop the shivering. He opened the cupboard and noted that he really needed to do some laundry _soon_ as this was his last remaining shirt. Picking it up he went back to the bathroom.

Laura was too engrossed in emptying her stomach to know that he had arrived behind her, until she felt the hand on her back. She looked up - slightly startled from the staring into the toilet bowl - and gave him a weak smile. He put the glass of water on the floor beside her, and straddled her back as he pulled her hair out of the way, holding it up into a pony tail. She could smell the mixture of his sweat, scotch and of his cologne and it made her vomit again. Still holding her hair with one hand she felt him straddle her; 'I'm going to flush Laura' and pressed the button on top of the loo. She pulled her head out of the way, and as she did so realised for the first time that she was naked, whilst he, trying to avoid looking at the sick but failing noted there seemed to be absolutely no food present.

'Here' she looked at the hand with the t-shirt in, and took it from him, whilst her stomach still gurgled crazily. 'Do you want help to put it on?' he asked.

She nodded, scared of speaking in case she was sick again. In fact she didn't want to move, but knew she would feel better if she wasn't sitting here naked in front of him, she turned slightly and as she did the room spun slightly in front of her. Closing her eyes to protect herself against the room spinning, she raised her arms above her head, feeling like she was a child again and her mother was taking care of her. _God I feel ill._ As she felt it go over her, and pulled it over her, her stomach angrily protested against the movement, and with her head feeling like it would explode at any minute, she vomited again. He placed a reassuring hand on his back and rubbed it up and down and then when she finished handed her the water again.

They sat there together, silent for a while. She thought she had probably finished so she moved so that her back was against the bath, and she rose her knees up and pressed her face down into her hands, all the while he watched her.

'Do you think you're done?' She nodded, feeling a bit better.

She looked up at him, 'James.. we did, didn't we?'

James looked at her sitting there, so small, noting how swollen her lips looked and wasn't entirely sure how to answer 'Potentially, yeah..'

'Oh buggering hell' came the muffled response from behind her hands

Unsure of whether it was the situation they were in now or whether she was just commenting on how she felt or even all of it, James decided to ignore what she said -mainly as his head probably couldn't cope with it. Instead, he decided that he'd what he should have done; before the alcohol and when she first arrived. _I'll look after her._ In the silence he could hear her stomach gurgling madly.

'When was the last time you ate Laura?'

She looked up at him, like she couldn't believe what he was asking. Narrowing her eyes, James could see she was trying to think against what he assumed was one hell of a headache.

'The day Lyn left.. she cooked us all lasagne before they left…'

James calculated in his mind, today was Wednesday and he knew from talking to her at the funeral it had been Sunday that she was planning to leave. 'So.. three days.' _Shit. He needed to get something down her._

She nodded. 'What about you James?' suddenly concerned.

'Ah I'm a cigarette and caffeine man – breakfast, lunch and dinner. Whatever gets you through.'He smiled

She smiled remembering how in another life time that's what he said about victim, when they discussed what had been found in his stomach. She remembered Robbie saying after she had told them what was his stomach that the victim hadn't been a happy man_.. _She looked at James_, definitely not a happy man.._

Do you think you could eat something Laura?'

She nodded, 'Something small.'

He got up from his position against the bath, slightly unsteadily and padded over to the kitchen, sighing at the state of the lounge in the light, no wonder his head felt like someone was fighting their way out. He realised that this must have been the first time of being awake in a long time where he hadn't gone straight for the scotch bottle, no wonder his head was so awful. He paused next to the scotch bottle, thinking that whatever had gone on last night he could quickly drink it away, but, the thought of Laura in the bathroom, made him walk past it. He had a mission. He was going to look after her. He made his way over to his freezer and pulled out the bread, he put four pieces in the microwave to defrost them, and then placed them in the toaster.

He went back to the bathroom to where Laura was sat hunched up 'Laura, do you think you can move?' She nodded, and allowed him to help her up, picking up her glass of water and then walked into the kitchen, noting as she did so she felt stiff and sore.

He got some pain killers from the cupboard, passed them to her, and she swallowed them gratefully. The toast popped up, so he put it on their plates and they ate together in silence. Laura feeling better that some food was passing her lips.

'Do you want to talk about…'

Laura shook her head, she didn't really want to think about it, her brain felt like it would explode out of her head if she had too. James felt relief pass over him, his head certainly couldn't cope with discussing what they thought had happened. Suddenly the I-phone which had been on charge for the past week on the countertop, jumped to life. _Saved by the bell _she thought. Both of them realised who it would be long before he answered. Who else would be ringing at this time?

'Hathaway'

On the other side of the phone, Innocent's voice came through loud and clear

'I need to tell you this Hathaway, before you find out from anyone else, Peterson got the bastard, we've brought her in.'

James sat on the chair that a moment before he had got out of, clutching the side of the table, relief washing over him.

'Her?'

'Yes, Pamela. I'm going to go down in a second to have her explain to me why, but I thought I would tell you first. By the way I've been trying to get hold of Dr Hobson, but…'

'She's here, Ma'am. I'll tell her.'

Innocent decided to ignore why Dr Hobson was around at Hathaway's at this time of night but then she was a grown adult and realised that it was probably better they were together rather than apart..

'Oh and James, I'm not accepting your resignation. You're one of the best cops we have! Get what you need to out of your system and come and see me.' The line cut dead.

James put the phone down, and looked at Laura. He looked like he'd seen a ghost thought Laura.

'What is it?'

_I want to kill her._

'James?'

'Peterson arrested her. It's over.' _But it's not over. It won't bring any of them back. _He got up from his seat, and started to make his way out of the kitchen.

The air suddenly seemed to be pushed from her lungs. 'Oh my god, finally' she whispered, a sense of relief washing over her. He turned back and looked at her. She looked at him,

'Where are you going?'

'Isn't that obvious?'

'James. Not in this state. No.'

The sternness in her voice, made him look at her and take note, he smiled realising that this was Dr Hobson sat at his breakfast bar, and that she could be downright scary at times. Suddenly he saw her crumble, as everything from that evening, the past few weeks enveloped her and suddenly the tears were pouring down her cheeks, she let out an animal like howl as her feelings became too much. James was there in a second, next to her where she was sitting, wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed, massive bone shuddering sobs. He held her to his waist and she could feel the softness of the dressing gown against her cheek. He made what he hoped were comforting sounds, until his own heart broke at the sights and sounds of her sobbing, _I can't leave Oxford when I know she's all alone. But I can't make it better for her. I can't bring them back and all I want to do is see him. Tell him how I feel about him_. _God I wish it was me in that coffin. Lizzie...that poor woman. _ He felt huge warm tears running down his cheeks.

Finally she managed to get herself in check, hiccupping with emotion and looked up as a tear fell on her nose. He looked down at her, and she realised through the stinging pain in her eyes and the blurriness of tears, that he too was crying. She stood up and hugged him, both of them enveloped by the grief they felt.

They weren't sure of how long they stood there sobbing, taking comfort from one another, but eventually James stopped, and another wave of embarrassment swept over him.

'Sorry…'

Laura pulled herself together, her eyes felt raw from the crying, and felt completely drained. Putting on her best authoritative doctors voice, she decided to ignore what he'd just said;

'James, if you do want to go down the station later, I won't stop you, but need to take a shower and then sleep in that order, and then drink about a gallon of coffee before I even allow you to get near the car.'

He smiled at her, thankful that some small part of the doctor had returned and walked off in the direction of the shower, he couldn't remember the last time he showered. As he left, she saw the state of the lounge in front of her properly for the first time; bottles and cigarettes and smashed glass aplenty _Oh James. You're worse then me. _ She heard the shower turn on, and she moved around slowly picking up the bottles, opening the window to allow the warm summer air come through, taking the smell of fustiness of the flat away. She was grateful to be doing something, so she couldn't think about the pain, guilt or anything else that seemed to constantly follow her around, nor was she able to think about what had happened in the last few hours. She was pretty sure she was still drunk though, as she kept having to put a hand out to steady herself.

After his shower - which he spent the majority of it leaning against the shower wall to steady himself - he padded back into the lounge, a towel wrapped round him, and stopped as he watched her finishing picking up the shattered pieces of glass from when he had thrown it at the wall. He leant against the wall watching her;

'Laura, you needn't worry.. I would have done that…'

'That's a blatant lie James. You would have sat around here in this for weeks.' He knew that she was right, he also knew that when facing Laura as Dr Hobson he would be beaten, so went back to his room to dry himself off, and then come back in and help her. As he dried himself he took note that there were no condoms hanging around, either a good or bad thing depending.

Laura; eyes stinging, stomach complaining, head feeling like someone was playing the drums, watched him go, and suddenly tiredness swept over her. She felt so drained. She walked over to the bin, wrapping the last remaining bits of glass into a newspaper and made her way back picking up her dress, and slumped down into the armchair. She sighed, picked up her legs and bundled herself into it, and within seconds was in a deep sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**I got carried away yesterday and wrote 3 chapters at once. I feel I should apologise for how angsty this story is turning out - but then I shouldn't really be surprised with the subject matter, and I'm hoping the angst will hopefully soon be over and the story will become a bit brighter.**

Jean turned off the engine of the car, and sat there for a moment watching the dawn start to envelop the day; the beautiful pink and blue as the sky turned, along with the birds singing. Completely opposite to what she had witnessed the past few weeks, and especially last night in the interview room. She tried hard to keep the images and thoughts of Robbie, Lizzie, James, Tony, Mark and Laura out of her mind. Suddenly all she wanted to see was her husband, to tell him that she loved him, feel him next to her, and feel safe in his arms; she knew she took him for granted and she shouldn't. She was so lucky to be with the man she loved. She looked up at the house, hoping to see a light on to signal his arrival back from Russia. The curtains in front of her, covering the large bay window, had light shining from under it.

She got out of the car, and made her way over to the front door. In a couple of hours she would have to be going out again, firefighting, making a statement to the media, but in the mean time she needed a coffee or something stronger, too see her husband and maybe have a half an hour of sleep, before preparing for the day. Opening the door, she saw his suitcase by the front door, and she kicked of her shoes..

'Alex! I'm home…'

He emerged from the lounge just ahead of her,

'Hey honey. I got your voicemail when I arrived at Heathrow… Congratulations, you got the bastard!'

She smiled weakly, 'She's a nut job Al. She sighed. 'A complete and utter nutter. Hug me…please'

He smiled, and hugged her, enveloping her in his scent which was also mixed with the unmistakable smell of plane, but she didn't care, she felt so safe. So secure. Unlike Laura.. _ shit. _'I love you' she said, talking into his shirt, so it sounded muffled. She pulled away and looked up at his handsome, rugged, tired face, 'I love you and I don't tell you enough…'

He knew it was must have been tough the last month, without him here

'I love you too Mrs Innocent… Now, do you want a coffee, because I was just about to make one. I only got back myself about 10 minutes ago'

She nodded, 'Mmm…coffee would be lovely…You must be knackered…'

'No I slept for a bit on the plane heading back from Moscow,' he called over his shoulder, as he walked into the kitchen. Jean followed him into the kitchen, as he described the trip back and watched him make her a coffee. He passed her the cup and Jean deliberated for a moment, and then went over to the cupboard where they kept the alcohol she used occasionally when she was 'cooking' and got down the amaretto, pouring a bit of into the coffee. It was an acquired taste she knew, but it was something that she'd been doing since her student days and sometimes life just required it. Al watched her noting that when this happened, it was a sure sign that things were at their worse.

She sat up at the breakfast bar, listening to him describe the eventful helicopter trip over from some place she couldn't even pronounce to Moscow. Suddenly she was hit by overwhelming emotion and couldn't stop the tears that sprung to her eyes, hot tears falling down her cheeks. Alex turned around from making his coffee, and looked at her. He put his coffee down, and stood beside her as she buried her head in his shirt again, feeling the sobs throughout her body. _Jesus, it must be bad. She hadn't cried like this at work since.. _Al shook his head, he couldn't remember, but reminded himself that when her father had died, she was completely the same. She felt so safe in his arms, so lucky to be able to do this.

She looked up at him, eyes stinging and in between hiccups; ' Three dead, Al. _THREE! _She hiccupped due to the emotion 'Laura… alone, Travis... baby.. Lewis.. one of the best.. Hathaway …Tony … firefighting..'

'Shhh.. darling.'

'Laura... hate.. me.'

She finally managed to calm herself down, and looked up at his kind, handsome face, which was although smiling at her, was etched with concern.

'Oh Al…' He bent down and their lips met and he kissed her tenderly.

'Why does Laura hate you love?' _Why did it matter anyway? _

'Because without me, Lewis.. Robbie.. would be at home, enjoying his retirement and making canoes, being with Laura… I cajoled him into coming back '

_Canoes.? _He shook his head trying to get the image of an old man making canoes in the back of his garden. This Laura must have loved that!

'I know the state of the force right now, and that you need more man power. It was an obvious choice, and he came back of his own accord. She can't blame you. '

There was a silence, and she considered it, knowing he was right.

'Jean, love. You're so great at your job and it may seem so incredibly tough right now, but I promise you, it'll all turn out OK..'

She looked up at him, and seeing his face smiling down at her, smelling his cologne, feeling safe in his arms, she believed him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry that this has taken so long, but I've had a crazy week; not only starting work but also falling ill on my 3rd day and vomiting everywhere - what a lovely rep to have! I wanted to post 2 chapters, but only just finished this one and wanted to post it so apologies. This is yet another slightly angsty chapter, yet it is taking me in the direction that I want with this story and so t****he next chapter will lead the story onwards and upwards, to a much less angsty area in the end :) **

**Thank you so much for your lovely follows and reviews. It makes me feel like its worth writing knowing that people are enjoying this story and want to know more. If you want to make any suggestions then please feel free. It's always good to see what other people think or would do.**

* * *

Laura stared out the window of James' police issued Audi; the sun was shining yet everything seemed duller. Although it was only 10; it threatened to be a hot day. As they drove past, she watched people going about their lives; happy and oblivious to the people in the car driving past, their lives torn apart. She noticed a group of students outside a coffee shop laughing. _Why are they laughing when they should be crying? Don't they know he's dead? Don't they know that the best, kindest man in the world has died? Everything has changed, yet nothing has changed. _She slowly closed her eyes, as her head started to pound more.

James, watched her carefully from the corner of his eye. He was concerned about her especially the fact she had been sick again in the morning. Yet he hadn't voiced them as he felt awkward. It just felt so wrong now; he felt like he'd walked straight in and taken over Robbie's life; _his partner, his job. _But then the job was his as Robbie had left, but he was. He found his mind flashing to the 10 commandments _You shall not covet your neighbours house. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or his donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.' * Oh Jesus. WHY did I do that? How the hell must she feel? What's wrong with me? _The last question circling around his head.

He'd been fully prepared to head off down to the station, and stand there listening to the bitch voice her reasons. But he knew that wouldn't be happening till the following morning, and he knew that sitting outside in the car, still drunk would have caused many more problems when Innocent had come to work and found him. When he had finished drying himself after the shower last night; he'd found her asleep, curled up in his chair, dress in a bundle on a lap. Realising that it was one of the most uncomfortable chairs to sleep in, and knowing she would probably wake up with a very bad back, he had picked her up and carried her over to his bed. Although he was filled with adrenaline, and wanted to get to the station, he didn't want to leave her; it was like an invisible force stopping him, so instead he sat and tucked himself up into the chair opposite the bed, and watched her sleep in the gloom. Sometime between then and morning, he too had fallen asleep, and had woken up much later with a dead leg and to find her using the shower. He had used the guilt he had felt in making her toast for breakfast, trying to ignore the pang of regret and the guilty pain that rose up and hit him full force. He knew that if she had gone when he'd woken up he'd have turned to the scotch bottle. They had barely spoken in the morning, instead he had busied himself with his guitar as she drank the endless cups of coffee he'd made. He sighed a resigned sigh, he guessed that as soon as he got her back to her place, they'd never see each other again;it made him feel physically sick, knowing that he'd ruined their friendship_. _The sun was now bouncing off the road, and was at the level where he could barely see the car in front, so he pulled down the visor to try and hide it. Although it looked like a beautiful day, James didn't see it, _sun's mocking me _he thought.

'The labours I endured were no longer to be alleviated by the bright sun or gentle breezes of spring; all joy was but a mockey which insulted my desolate state and made me feel more painfully that I was not made for the enjoyment of pleasure.' **

The silence between them broken, Laura looked momentarily startled at James' voice as it shocked her out of her thoughts.

'Sorry?'

'Frankenstein..'

'Brain box', she ribbed him slightly, causing him to smile.

'Are you sure you don't want to come to the station?'

Although Laura wasn't sure what he'd do once he got there, she understood that he needed tofor his own sake. Maybe alleviate the guilt he felt about not getting there in time. She couldn't, she wasn't ready.

'I'm sure everyone would think it was a great idea. Gain closure, or whatever they say, but no'

James was silent for a moment, and then scoffed. 'Closure? Grief has no closure.' He mumbled.

'Well that's heart warming to hear..'

Sure Laura's father had died some time ago, and she'd had friends who had passed away, and although it had hurt, she had slowly got over It. This was entirely different grief, it felt almost palpable, and the pain was always there. Hard to get away from. What had her mother said when her father died? Grief changes you Laura, and she had to agree, she already felt older, and everything seemed to be exhausting. She'd seen the change in Robbie when he'd lost Val so terribly, he lost his cheeky happy go – lucky side of him, which seemed to have been emerging again in the years she'd been with him.. _Oh Robbie.. why, why was it you?_

She looked at James, and although she could only see half his profile, she could see how tense he was; drawn and gaunt, his eyes bloodshot either from crying, lack of sleep or from the drink, _perhaps all three _she thought. He was an intense man at best, but this guilt he was feeling was killing him, that much was obvious… especially last night._ Please, PLEASE Robbie forgive me. _She felt like she'd betrayed Robbie, yet, James was here, alive. Last night, even though she could only remember part of it, had felt so right in that moment. She couldn't just leave James, when he was already so wrapped up in his grief. .He needed someone, and by all accounts so did she. When she'd vomited again this morning, he had seemed fanatical about making her eat something, and drink something that wouldn't by all means poison her. Although she was a strong, feisty, independent woman, she knew they both needed someone to look after each other. Maybe if she ploughed her concentration into him, the pain would lessen?

'Innocent probably won't be happy with you turning up, but at least you won't be..

'..drunk and disorderly'

'I was going to say stupid, but that works equally well..'

He turned into the driveway of Laura and Robbie's house killing the engine. They sat there in silence for a bit, each in their own worlds.

'James, come over once you're done. I'll cook.' Laura said, out of the blue, trying very hard not to think about food, as her stomach turned over violently.

He nodded. 'Only if you're sure..' Laura nodded in agreement

Laura nodded 'Why not?! Were obviously not functioning very well on our own, and without alcohol perhaps together we could make one relatively effective human.'

He _. '_But..' He started.. he could feel himself blushing. Ah the dangers of being pale.

'James.. I know you have a whole catholic guilt thing going on at the moment.. ' she saw his face darken, his jaw tensed but pressed on. 'But, if we did do what I think we did, it's alright. The only way for us to get through this is if we stick together?' He nodded again, he could see what she was saying, but his mind screamed _how can it be alright?!_

She undid her seat belt and opened the car door 'See you later Inspector.'

James watched Laura walk across the gravel to the front door. James could see from afar how the past few weeks had affected her, she wasn't the old Dr Hobson he'd come to know and love, there was a sadness about her.._like when you first met Robbie_, after his flight back from British Virgin Islands and drove him to the grave yard and his whole aura seemed to be sadness.

'_**Glad to be back Sir?**_

_**Mm?**_

'_**Has Oxford changed much since you've been away? **_

_**No. It changed before I went.'**_

He shook his head to get the image out of his head, and started the engine to drive to the station.

Laura heard a meow as she got to the front door, she looked over and saw Monty sitting by the side of the house, waiting for her,

'Monty!'

The cat came trotting over obediently, and she immediately scooped him up and held him, kissing the top of his head, holding him close to her, as she struggled to put the keys in the door and open it whilst carrying him and talking to him;

'Cor Monty, you've got heavy…where have you been… getting food from somewhere else? Traitor! My food not good enough? ' She finally managed to unlock the door with one hand and walked in. Regardless of getting food from somewhere else, she knew he would want to be fed so walked over to where the cat food was kept and gave him a plate, all the while, the answering machine was beeping at her.

As she gave Monty the food, she went to the answering machine. One message from Innocent at midnight asking her to call her back as she couldn't get hold of her mobile due to being switched off _not charged up, in fact where the hell is it?! _thought Laura. The second from Lyn this morning;

'_**Hey Laura. I've been trying to get hold of you for the past day, and your mobile isn't on. I'm beginning to get really worried - so when you get this ring me ASAP. I… just want to know you're OK.'**_

A sob left Laura's throat. _Lyn!_ Lyn had been so lovely to her, had accepted her as her father's significant other, and now, had been trying to look after her since.. since she'd come down for the funeral. And, what did she do? Get blind drunk and go and go to Hathaway's house and sleep with him. Her mind screamed; _SHIT WHY DID I DO THAT LAST NIGHT? Why did I allow it to happen? WHY? I love you Robbie. Shit. _A wave of nausea overwhelmed her, her head pounded as the pain in her chest got more intense. She ran to the toilet and vomited, thinking how nice it would be if Robbie or even James to suddenly appear with a glass of water and a reassuring hand.

Once she'd finished she wearily got up from the floor, and made her way over to the kitchen, running some cold water into a glass; drinking deeply, whilst taking some pain killers. Laura thought about ringing back Lyn, but even though she'd drank about five gallons of coffee this morning, she was still so exhausted. _I'll ring her back later…_ She wandered over to the soft blue sofa in the lounge, and lay down, closing her eyes she was almost immediately asleep

* * *

Innocent walked down the corridor, passing by a group of known station gossips clustered around the tea and coffee machine trying to be as quiet as possible when spotting her, but not quiet enough. '…Innocent's obviously not accepted his resignation. He's outside having a smoke. Probably trying to figure out what damage he can do now..did you see how drunk he was yesterday?'

_Shit. What's antics is he playing at now?_

As she got into her office she peered out the window and lo and behold Hathaway was standing by a pillar, one leg raised leaning against it, smoking.

_Right Inspector_

She got to the front of the station, just as James was entering

'I trust you're not drunk and disorderly', noting he was clean shaven, smelt of cologne rather than unwashed body and booze, but his eyes were blood shot his face gaunt, and the bags under his eyes were very dark;_ too much drinking, not enough sleep or from crying – it's hard to pick which one, especially after yesterday_; 'otherwise Hathaway you can leave the way you've come.'

'Sober as a baby Ma'am', as they walked past two distinctly rough men by the front desk 'putting bouncers on the doors now?' he quipped. _Dr Hobson must have gone round and worked her magic, thank God _thought Innocent.

'Only for when I have police officers that turn up drunk and cause a massive scene. Which on that note, why are you here?' She noted how his jaw tensed _not that I really don't know._

'I need to see her. I need to know why.'

'That may be so Hathaway, but I won't have you going in there. You're too much of a loose cannon. You can view it with me'

'Ma'am'

* * *

James watched Peterson and his sergeant Jones interviewed Pamela. Adrenaline was pulsing through his body. Finally, he got onto the question James wanted the answer too

'And what about Maddox and Lewis? Why them?'

'Because I knew they were working on the case, the 999 calls were getting too risky. I wanted to kill Maddox, I didn't think Lewis would come, and when he did….well….too good an opportunity to miss. Graham hated him. He wanted everyone to know that he had failed. He failed to catch us both. He failed his dead colleagues, and then there's Hathaway, he failed his lovely sergeant and his lovely Lewis..'

James' stomach lurched. Innocent watched him carefully, as he clenched his fists, his jaw was tense. He slowly put his forehead against the glass between the room they were standing in and the room where hell was alive, his eyes closed, he could feel the blood pushing through his head and his head started to pound. James, was no longer listening.. he needed to feel the coolness of the glass.

_What was it all for? _

_**Suddenly he was back in the pumping station. He could smell the blood before he even saw it, he knew something was wrong, even before he found them. He saw Maddox lying there, and knew before he even went to her that she'd bled out, but he felt for a pulse anyway, in some vain desire that she would be alive. His heart going 9 to the dozen, and then his eyes rested on Lewis. He ran over, and could feel a faint pulse. 'Stay with me Robbie, fucking stay with me!' He scrambled around trying to desperately stop the bleeding, but it seemed to be all in vain. Suddenly, there were people surrounding him. Back up. Paramedics. Buzzing around, trying to get him out the way; 'YOU'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM!' He remembered shouting. All he could was stay with Lewis, holding his hand, whispering platitudes and telling him to stay with him.**_

_**It was all a blur, but not enough of a blur. There he was in the hospital. People surrounding him and Robbie. Then suddenly Innocent and Laura; both looking a pallid grey. He was pacing backwards and forwards, and then suddenly he was in a chair, people telling him to calm down, that it would be alright…and all the while he could hear an animal like scream.**_

'Hathaway?' Innocent was staring at him concerned.

He looked up startled from his reverie; and realised where he was. Pamela was still talking. James' stomach lurched again;

'I can't take this anymore' He made a move to go, trying to get out, suddenly feeling claustrophobic.

'Hathaway', she put a hand up to him. She looked him in the eye, and it took her breath away seeing the depth of hurt in his eyes. He pushed past her running out of the door and down the corridor to the toilet.

After James had emptied his stomach, he leant against the cool glass of the mirror, until someone walked at him; he could feel them staring at him; judging him, so he gave them his best glare as he opened his eyes and splashed some cold water on his face. He emerged from the toilet, and with some alarm, noted that Innocent was standing by the wall opposite, staring at him, arms crossed.

'James, a word of advice; she's deranged; and the power of the words what if, can haunt you forever - remember there just two small words. You couldn't possibly have done anything, and if you had got there in time, she could have killed you too. Then where would we be? Don't spend your life wishing you could have done something different.' She wanted to ease his pain, but couldn't look into the wounded eyes anymore, so walked away down the corridor leaving James standing there, head cocked, staring at her curiously.

'Ma'am'

He turned on his heels and walked in the direction of the front door; ignoring the station gossips staring at him. When he left, he drove in the direction of a church he knew…

James knocked on Laura's front door, harder this time. Absolutely no response. Either she'd drunk herself into a drunken stupor or she'd done something stupid. Fear crawled into his throat, and he scrambled around the plant pots placed outside the door. Picking up a massive flower pot, filled with some kind of indescribable flower, he found what he was looking for, the metal glinting back up at him . He unlocked the door, fearful of what he might find and walked into the lounge to see her curled up on the sofa; oblivious to him. Monty was asleep on her stomach curled up, enjoying the therapeutic breathing. He peered at her, definitely alive as he saw her chest rise, and definitely not drunk due to the lack of alcohol. He watched for her a few moments; envying her ability to sleep, her ability to get away from the demons that seemed to circle them.

He walked over to the fridge to see if there was anything in; apart from what looked like the lasagne Lyn had cooked with what suspiciously looked like some mould growing on it, there was nothing edible as such. Studying the counter tops he saw that Laura had started to lay out food items, but had obviously decided sleep was a better idea, so he started on what she'd left. He started to cook the chicken - a recipe he remembered giving Robbie – he cooked so he didn't have to remember.

Laura stirred, the delicious smells invaded her senses, something was vibrating through her chest though. She opened her eyes to come face to face with a set of yellow eyes, and then a head butt right in her face. 'Ooof Monty!'

She grabbed Monty, and turned round to see James cooking;

'Wow. It's not everyday that someone lets themselves into your house and starts cooking! I should.. Hang on. How did you get in?'

'Key under the flower pot out by the front door! Really, Laura! You should know better!'

'Ah, I'd forgotten about that. Well, I won't be complaining if they always take pity on me and cook me dinner.'

He scoffed. 'I come from a limited range of burglar…'

Laura picked up Monty and walked into the kitchen, trying to ignore her stomach. She hadn't eaten properly in days and she was most likely hunger that was causing her to feel sick. She looked at him, sleeved rolled back, eyes bloodshot, and noted the beer on the side.

How did it go today? It must have been rough…'

_Rough was an understatement. _He looked at her, and she could see his jaw was tense, and his eyes had adopted their haunted look again. He took a swig of beer.

'Believe me Laura, you don't want to know…'

It was late, and they were sat outside in the garden as the inside was still warm listening to the crows coming home to roost, and watching the day slowly turn to night; the pinks and the blues. James was nursing his fourth beer of the night, not that Laura was keeping count, but it had got to the point where it was rather hard to ignore. She wasn't sure whether it was to help him sleep tonight, or forget the day. Either way; she wasn't going to allow him to go home after drinking so much; he hadn't eaten much of what he'd cooked either but then neither had she. It would probably be easier to allow him to crash at hers. Although she didn't want to admit it, she wanted him to stay over, because it just felt nicer going to bed, knowing someone was there, instead of it just being ghosts.

James, as if reading her mind, got up unsteadily; 'I'd better go, it's late…'

'I'd prefer it if you stayed…'he cocked his head looking at her curiously. 'If you want too'

'Be honest Laura; it's because you don't think I'm in any fit state to go home alone,isn't it? I've seen you watching me, counting how many drinks I'm having...'

'Nothing of the sort, paranoid…' She quickly racked her brains to say something that didn't make her look to desperate; nor, make him angry because she had been watching him. 'I have to think about my reputation at the hospital, having a dishy inspector stay over..'

'Well.. you've got the right one.'

'Cocky sod…' She retorted

'Will you then?'

'I can't turn an offer down of giving a damsel in distress a better reputation' he looked up to see the neighbours curtain twitch 'or give the neighbours something to talk about…'

He debated it, and then realised she probably had his best interests at heart. If he went back now, to the flat, he's probably finish a bottle, smoke a packet and have his demons come forth. 'Sure…'

Laura shivered, feeling a bit better that he wasn't going to leave her alone. It was stupid really, she'd been single and used to be fiercely independent sleeping in her house alone hadn't bothered her. But this was different. She still felt incredibly tired even after her couple of naps this afternoon, so she made her excuses and went to bed, leaving him in the garden, nursing his cold beer and cigarette. James knew he wouldn't sleep, insomnia had already grabbed him by the throat, the day Robbie and Lizzie died. He'd always had it, and although he didn't think it could get worse, it had.

* * *

Laura woke with a start. As she became accustomed to her surroundings she was aware that the only movement in the house was the breeze coming in through the open window and her bedroom was swathed in moon light from where she hadn't bothered to close her curtains. Maybe it had been Monty… she switched on her bed side light.. nothing. _Odd. Must have been a fox screaming.. _Then a second broken cry emerged from further down the corridor that made her blood run cold. _Shit, James. _She rushed in the direction of the spare room, and narrowly missing stubbing her toe on the cabinet just by the door. It sounded like he was in trouble.

The bedside light was on still on illuminating James who was curled up in bed, eyes closed fast asleep with a Patrick O'Brian book next to him having fallen off him. He was still fully clothed, and a glass of scotch sitting on the bedside cabinet. As she made her way over to the bed, he started broken yelling for Robbie, _Christ, he's having a nightmare, _ suddenly his long legs started moving like he was running. She wasn't going to let him do this to himself, she sat down on the side of the bed, and gently shook his shoulder.

'Wake up James, sweetheart', as she held him he started to thrash more violently and in the soft light, Laura could see the wetness from his tears on his face.

She shook him gently again, _please wake up James, _her heart started to break at the state of the him, although she knew of the pain he was suffering she had no idea that this was why he hadn't looked like he had slept in years. 'Come on James.. wake up'

Suddenly, James sat bolt up eyes open but unseeing, his breathing ragged;

'Hospital… gotta go…'

Laura had a hand on his shoulder; 'James.. sweety… '

'Robbie..Robbie…need..'

She tried again. 'James. You were having a nightmare. It's OK.. Shh..'

Finally, it seemed to hit him. He shook his head slowly, as if to get to the images out and looked up to Laura in the soft light, her face etched with concern…

'It was… so real…' Suddenly tears that had been holding back when he awoke were cascading down his cheeks, and he sobbed into her, making her nighty wet with his tears, she held him tightly, rocking him backwards and forwards like she did with her nephew when he fell; she made what she hoped were comforting noises. _No wonder he is so enigmatic, he's so haunted. _ As he stopped, with only hiccups left, Laura released him and went over to the ensuite and brought him back a tissue; he blew his nose…

'Sorry Laura..'

'Don't be silly.. are you feeling better?'

James nodded, he felt drained from the crying and simply exhausted, and mixed with that he felt so embarrassed. He normally managed to hold it back in, but now in the space of two days, he'd cried three times. He closed his eyes, and then re-opened them fast. He wouldn't be able to sleep now.., the dream would come back with the same force, _Robbie as a corpse.._ he shuddered. Laura pretended she hadn't seen it.

'Right then James.. ' she made her way round to the other side of the double bed, drew back the cover and got in

'What're you doing?'

'I'm sleeping here for the rest of the night. Perhaps together we'll both get a decent nights sleep…I'm not leaving you alone after that…'

He started to protest, and knew she would win if he did. He figured that he may have some company in the bed even if he wasn't going to be able to sleep. James listened as Laura's breathing becoming steadier. _Noone has ever done this for me before, not even Mum _he thought, as fondness for Laura swept over him, swirling amongst the feelings of pain and guilt. Those were feelings he knew so well. The moonlight streamed in, and he found himself looking over at her, and noted just how peaceful she looked. _Peaceful and so.. beautiful_. The thought was unexpected and totally against his better judgement. As he watched her sleeping he allowed his mind to wander back to last night, he could remember her naked even though blurred from the alcohol, and her groans of appreciation. He shook his head free from the thought; '_What's wrong with you?! Don't abuse her kindness. That's is Laura! Robbie's Laura. Shit man get it together._ The thought swirled around in his head, as his eyes closed steadily as he listened to her breathing, he felt like his eyelids were being dragged down by iron; '_you should move. This is so wrong.' _Yet he felt pinned to the bed, and his breathing to became steady shortly after. For the rest of that night - to his surprise and shock when he awoke - he had slept more deeply than he had in years.

.

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* Quote from Exodus 20: 17 (AKA: Wikipedia: Thou shalt not covet)

**Quote from Frankenstein, chapter 16 I do believe.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you again for your reviews :)It does mean the world to me that people are reading this story and enjoying it. Thought I'd quickly upload this before work, so apologies if there are any mistakes as such - I take all responsibility. Please tell me what you think about this chapter - always nice to know peoples opinions.**

* * *

Laura walked into the kitchen to see James hunched over a bowl of cereal _'well at least he's eating…'_, walking past him, she realised that she'd probably overestimated him; he was more or less lost in his thoughts, stirring the milk and soggy cereal around his bowl with his spoon. She watched him for a moment, whilst he seemed totally oblivious to her. His expression was morose with a clenched jaw; _he's so intense_ she thought. Vaguely she hoped he was as oblivious to the world as this earlier - when she vomited as soon as she got out the shower. She didn't have the energy to deal with him fussing over her this morning. In the past few weeks, she'd found his ability to fuss about her astounding. If there was anything James could win a medal for it would be for that; something that she found surprising - her stomach gurgling crazily in agreement.

There'd been a good old bug doing the rounds of the lab for the past ten days or so, and it had taken the majority of the staff down. Due to being the boss, and the fact that only a few people were in she had to go in. It didn't really matter - she hated delegating with a passion; it meant checking everything. The only time she'd taken off more than a week was when Robbie died and she couldn't take another huge amount off again so soon. If she actually thought about it more carefully, it was more about hating being at home doing nothing except sleeping – at the moment she felt she ought to be doing_ something_. James meanwhile had thought along the same lines, pestering Innocent to the point that she'd finally relented. Everyone knew James shouldn't be back this soon, so he'd been put on paper work duties. He was bored stiff, yet Innocent wanted to play this part at least by the book and didn't want to let James on any case just yet.

Planning her day in her head she sighed whilst finishing pouring her coffee. James, for the first time seemed to register she was there; looked up and watched her intently.

'You OK? You didn't sound too good earlier, and you look pretty peaky'

_Oh God, he did hear. _'If you talk to all the women like that – no wonder you're still single!' She retorted.

He chose to ignore what she said, knowing that Laura hadn't slept too well last night what with his dreams.

'Laura, perhaps you shouldn't go to work today? Stomach bugs can really take it out on someone. Stay here and sleep'

James, I'm FINE. Anyway I can't just take the day off.. it doesn't work like that – most the staff are off.' She snapped back.

'I'm assuming that means they're hungover. They should stop making assumptions that you'll be there!' James ventured, trying to make it sound slightly banterous.

'They don't – y'know that, they were so helpful when… ' Laura was unable to bring herself to finish the sentence, leaving it hanging in mid – air. 'Besides it'll pass over, by lunchtime I should be fine, I'm probably over the worse… ' Laura said in a hopeful tone, that others –like James – could take as denial. She leant on the counter taking rapid sips of the hot coffee in her hand.

He watched her just drinking coffee, and not bothering to make any food. Concern rose inside him; 'Laura, is that all you're going to have? You should try to eat something..'

'Oh for God SAKE James!'

She slammed her coffee cup down, glaring at him, picked up her purse, and stalked to the front door, picking up her keys. Closing the front door, she smashed it with enough force that the frame around it shuddered. _Don't be so bloody diva-ish Laura, _she thought. Yet, she couldn't stop herself. She was just so cross.

James watched her go, letting out long sigh - that was for no-one but himself. _Shit, this is a mess. _He was tense, he felt his jaw clench even more, and he tightened his fists. He always said the wrong thing. _It's all going wrong. _To emphasise this thought he registered a vague butterfly feeling in his stomach, and how disappointed he felt with her being so frustrated with him. _Shit. _He suddenly felt sick to his stomach, he needed to go back to his flat– there was no question about it.

He got up from the table, and walked round to the sink, slowly placing the bowl in the sink -completely forgetting about the now congealed mess still in it. Picking up Laura's now tepid coffee, he let himself out in the garden to light a cigarette, with Monty following him. As soon as he sat down on the chair, Monty leapt up onto his lap. Normally, he would have picked him up straight away and put him on the floor so he didn't get cat hairs on his pristine black suit, but today he was too lost in his own guilt ridden thoughts. He didn't see the world coming to life around him; the birds singing their morning chorus, the pink and gold of the sky as the sun rose.

_Is this what it's about?_ _Maybe that's where the nightmares are coming from - the fact that I like it here, and I like being with Laura?!It's all so wrong, I'm so wrong. What the hell is wrong with me? _Then another thought cropped up unexpectedly and unwelcome; _Do I like Laura more than just a friend? _Guilt swept over him; and he had to forcefully push down nausea that had risen unexpectedly.

He never thought he could feel so much guilt as he had done recently. It was pretty much constant. Guilt from not being able to save either Lizzie or Robbie. Guilt at seeing their relatives. Guilt at pretty much moving into Robbie's house, and then enjoying spending time with Laura. The only way around the situation was to drink, but he was aware of Laura and Innocent watching him. When he got to Laura and Robbie's he was aware that Laura would count how many he had. After he had turned up to work drunk Innocent was now watching him like a hawk.

He absently mindedly stroked Monty, and let out a sigh 'It's all too cliché, Monty..' He shook his head, and ran his hand over his face. As he looked up he saw the next door neighbours curtain twitch _It's six thirty in the morning – who spies on their neighbours at this time? Bloody witch. _ He should get to work - even if it was tedious and dull paper work for the time being.. At least it was something. At least she'd allowed him back, even if HR had said no.. But, he wasn't sure if he would ever want to get back into policing in full swing; the murders, the unnatural deaths, not after….. He'd felt like this before sure; when Robbie made the decision to retire, but this time _was_ different. He wished he'd never returned, if he hadn't Lizzie and Robbie would still be alive. Pamela been right, he had failed himself and his colleagues. He shook his head to free himself of his thoughts, stubbed out his cigarette, scooped Monty up and stood up to go to work.

* * *

On her way to work, Laura found herself in a traffic queue to get to the other side of Oxford – due to a traffic accident, if there were any bodies she'd be seeing them later and suddenly a relatively quiet day would be full again. She sat there, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel;

_Calm the hell down woman! You shouldn't have snapped at James like that. He just has your best interests at heart. He knows that you're sick, he had to take you home yesterday, for god sake. _She sighed. She just felt so fatigued all the time, and the pain was a constant reminder, the grief would swamp her when she'd least expect it too. It didn't help that she would walk round a corner at work, and expect to see Robbie there, smiling at her, or a knock on the window of her lab and he'd be there with a coffee. Only he wouldn't be there every again. She shouldn't take it out on James, he was going through enough. She had to go into the station later to see DI Piper to discuss the PM results. _I'll apologise to him then _she thought.

* * *

Laura knew it would be cliché for her to vomit over a corpse. She hadn't done that since her first day as a student when she'd come face to face quite literally with her first mutilated murder victim and knew how badly it had gone done not only with her male superiors. She certainly wasn't about to start the habit again this late on in her career. It was also seen as bad practice when you were the boss, and she thanked her lucky stars that there was only Jess and Eve in this morning. It wasn't even like it was a murder victim just some unlucky sod who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and had been crushed by their own windscreen, a victim of this mornings accident. Yet here she was weak kneed and swallowing down overwhelming nausea. _Bloody bug._ Without warning hot tears started to fall down her cheeks, and she realised with some shock that she was crying; whether it was because she felt so awful or whether she was crying for the car crash victim she was unsure. Usually, if she did cry, she tried to do it discreetly, and it usually involved a child, but today it was a mini snot fest. Between the nausea, the shakes, the blurry vision and snotty nose she was intensely relieved when the PM was over.

By the time she'd dealt with the body, washed her hands and found a tissue to wipe her eyes and blow her nose; the nausea had somewhat a-baited, yet in its place came bone crushing tiredness. She went into the staff lounge and slumped into the armchair that was probably alive with bacteria, but it felt so good to just sit. She closed her eyes, reckoning she should eat something in case she was sick, so that she wasn't sick on an empty stomach. Yet she couldn't find the energy to get up. Footsteps and the door opening made her force her eyes open and she saw Jess come in;

'Hobs; you're looking pretty peaky!'

'I must look horrific because you're not the first person to say that!' Laura replied sullenly.

Jess sighed, she was pretty sure Laura had come back to work too soon, she understood why she had; to get out of the house and to stop herself going mad, but the grief had turned her into a grouch. A sick grouch at that, who shouldn't be at work today…as she glanced back at Laura fighting to keep her eyes open on the sofa. Jess smiled thankfully to herself; she hadn't been struck down by the bug, her friends had always joked she had an iron stomach as such. She poured herself and Laura a cup of coffee that would be lukewarm at best, and put several teaspoons of sugar in to hopefully give her boss a bit of a buzz, _she looks like she needs it. _ Walking over to the biscuit tin, she extracted several varieties that she knew Laura liked, and put them on the side table.

'Hobs.. coffee..'

Laura opened her eyes and saw the slight, pretty brunette with a coffee mug in one hand and a plate of her favourite biscuits in the other;

'Ah Jess… I knew there was a reason why I employed you…' She took it willingly, and put it on the table beside her. She felt slightly peakish for the first time since she'd been struck down, but knew the nausea could be back any minute, so ate a digestive carefully. It was probably a stupid idea, and she'd live to regret it, but she couldn't be bothered to get up and go and find some crackers, and she was loathed to ask Jess, since she wasn't actually a slave. Jess was watching her from the chair opposite.

'Hobs.. don't take this the wrong way, but should you be at work today?' Jess ventured.

'Oh not you tool! Hathaway was fussing over me this morning as well. I have to be here Jess, I mean, everyone else is off sick; it's just a pesky bug. It'll pass…'

Jess was loathed to mention anything to do with DI Hathaway staying at Hobson's or the fact that she been running off to the toilet and looking peaky way before the bug debacle had started. She'd mentioned it a few days ago, and had a dark muttered reply back, and realised for the first time that this was a definite no go area up for discussion with her boss.

'Ok.. Ok.. sorry Hobs.' Jess muttered, trying to think of something better to say; 'What are you doing this afternoon?'

'If I can sum the energy up' she said heaving a huge sigh; 'I'm going to the station; where I'm going to attempt to not vomit over DI Piper like yesterday and give him and DI Wells the results of their victims.'

'I'm sorry.. you.. what?!' Jess probed

'You didn't hear?'

'No…'

'God, the station gossips are lacking! He was eating a tuna mayonnaise sandwich… and the smell.. was just too much' she shuddered at the thought of it.. 'and I ended up vomiting over his shoes. He definitely wasn't pleased, nor was Innocent for that matter - who just happened to appear naturally at the wrong moment! She got Hathaway to take me home. It was mortifying, Jess. Mortifying. I'm a pathologist, dead mutilated bodies are my thing, and a bloody tuna mayonnaise sarnie takes me down!'

Jess smiled 'Oh Hobs!' and before either of them knew they were laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. Jess realised it was the first time in weeks she'd heard Hobs laugh; and it was lovely.

When they both stopped laughing, Laura paused thinking how wrong it had felt to laugh, but how she felt lighter. Suddenly she was hit by an unexpected craving; 'Y'know what I fancy Jess? Some cheese and crackers..'

* * *

A few hours later, and several strong coffee's later; Laura had enough energy to go and give the results to the Inspectors. She couldn't stop thinking she'd bump into Robbie, and had to stop the little feeling of hope that seemed to grow inside her. Instead, she rounded a corner, and literally bumped into Hathaway who was speedily walking in the opposite direction, he narrowly missed spilling coffee down himself. James frowned at seeing her;

'You seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere Hathaway!' She quipped hoping to make the awkwardness less so.

He nodded, looking glum, and looked down at the floor 'Just going to contaminate some fresh air with nicotine Doctor before Innocent comes looking for me.'

_He looks so miserable _she thought. She needed to apologise to him, clear the air.

'Look I'm sorry for being such a cow earlier James. can I cook us dinner tonight - to apologise… I do appreciate everything you're doing for me y'know that right?' _God now he looks embarrassed _ thought Laura, _an odd combination with the gaunt face and hallowed, blood shot eyes._

'I.. er… was thinking of spending the night back at my flat' James muttered.

'James, don't be such a bloody diva' He looked up at her, and she could see the anger in his face _shit. _'Come - I don't want you to sit at home alone.'

He relented thinking it would be better to be with her than sit in his flat, drinking and then waking up with a hangover from hell; 'Sure. I'll send you a text when I leave here.'

They started walking off in other directions, Laura felt relief; she turned back and shouted at his back;

'Oh and James, if you're going to drink me out of house and home, replenish the stocks', he turned around and saw her smiling at him cheekily. He felt the tell – tale fluttering's in his stomach, which was immediately dismissed by guilt.

DI Wells, Innocent, Sergeant Paige and Laura all stood at the whiteboard of his latest murder victim. Laura was finishing her results; 'there's some bruising to his right eye, if he wasn't dead he'd now be sporting an incredible black eye and also some across the bridge of his nose as well as his hand – the knuckles to be precise, and cuts on his cheek…'

'So he was in a fight before he was killed?' Innocent ventured

'I believe so, yes…' Suddenly, the smell of orange hit her full force, causing nausea to sweep over her_ SHIT. Not again! _She looked up to see DS Paige idly peeling an orange whilst staring at the board._ Pull yourself together woman! _ '…it was definitely not one sided. So your murderer may also be sporting wounds like he has.'

The smell of the orange was now incredibly pungent, she swallowed desperately to keep the nausea at bay as DS Paige mentioned a suspect who had also looked like they could have been in a fight, and was sporting lacerations to his cheek. The room was suddenly very warm and airless. She looked up to see Innocent studying her curiously. She needed to get to the toilet now.

'Sorry.. ' They all looked at her, as she ran out the room, pretty much pushing past others in her hurry to get to the toilet.

'Obviously dead bodies are one thing, oranges and tuna mayonnaise are another thing entirely' quipped Innocent. 'Excuse me gentlemen…'

She stopped by the water fountain in the corridor and poured some water into the plastic cup idly, and then walked down the corridor to the women's toilets. All the while her mind wandered away from work to a time when just the smell of eggs where enough to make her vomit, and how she couldn't get enough of marmite on chicken. She shuddered at the thought of it now.

_She can't be, could she? _Innocent sighed heavily, causing several officers to look up to see her walking towards them and suddenly duck out the way into the nearest offices. _Christ this is a fine mess. You could be wrong Jean, she could just be ill with this bug. But this is the 5__th__ time in about 3 weeks that you've witnessed a 'symptom' so to speak. The first time was to Hathaway about how much she was craving cheese, and why on earth wasn't he replenishing the stocks and then you walked in on her having what looked like a small cheese party in her office; the smell of oranges and tuna mayonnaise were enough to make her sick, and you'd seen her before the bug running for the loo. Additionally, she looked dog tired - but that could be grief talking, _she mused_ You could look like a right fool though, but if she was right, women stick together right? It's the least she could do, look after her if so. Hathaway would be useless…_

She walked into the women's toilets and glancing at the cubicles she was relieved to find she and Laura where the only ones in there. The tell-tale sounds of someone vomiting rose from behind the locked stall.

Finally, Laura emerged from the cubical to find Innocent standing there - just staring at her - a plastic cup of water in one of her hands, she looked thoughtful yet at the same time her face creased in concern. _She looks like a bloodhound with her hair straightened _the thought popping into Laura's head unexpectedly.

'A past time of yours is it Innocent, listening to others in the toilet?' she jested. Yet Innocent, just kept staring at her, mute… 'What?' Laura asked, abruptly; starting to worry she had something on her. Innocent wordlessly passed her the cup of cold water, and although Laura was confused as to why she was just standing there not saying a word but looking at her intently she took it gratefully. 'Thanks', and rinsed and spat her mouth out, all the while looking at Innocent behind her in the mirror.

Jean for her own part was trying desperately to figure how to word the question that she wanted answering. She was aware that even though she was behind Laura, Laura could see her because of the mirror and she was peering at her like she was wondering whether Innocent had lost her marbles. The more Jean studied the woman in front of her through the mirror, the more she realised the amount of time that was going by was making it a doubly awkward situation, and she should just ask her.

'Are you pregnant, Laura?' Jean blurted out into the silence.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this story so far, it's so nice to hear what you think and makes me so happy that people are enjoying it as much as I'm enjoying reading it. I hope you enjoy this chapter**

* * *

'What?!' Laura spluttered in shock, turning round to be face to face with Jean. 'You're are joking aren't you?'

Jean looked at Laura in disbelief. 'It hasn't crossed your mind then?'

Laura laughed in disbelief 'That I could be pregnant?! No, I have a stomach bug –the majority of the lab have it. You have to have an immune system that is as strong as an ox to not have been affected by it. I've been going through hell recently, so no – my first thought hasn't exactly been to whether I'm pregnant.' Laura said incredulously. _Is she having some weird kind of breakdown because of the deaths and the stress she'd been under?_ Laura wondered.

'If you're being honest with yourself you've been having these symptoms way before this bug.' Jean ventured. _She's so far in denial _

Laura visibly prickled 'have you been keeping tabs on me, Innocent?'

'Oh, don't be such a bloody diva Laura! I don't need to keep tabs on you - you don't have to be a detective to see. I'm a woman, believe me, it's pretty obvious when you know what you're looking out for.'

Laura shook her head in disbelief, 'Jean, not only am I nearing fifty which means my body is probably past suitable child rearing age, but these 'symptoms' you say I've had are more to do with grief. You probably wouldn't be looking your best every day if you had Hathaway living at yours, trying to drink himself into an early grave.' _It was also bloody impossible when I DID try to have kids. _Laura thought sadly.

Jean chose to ignore the last part. 'So you've got there then?' Laura looked at her blankly, 'the menopause?' Jean asked a bit more forcibly then she had thought.

'Not that it's any of your business, Jean, but no I haven't…' Jean rolled her eyes at her. She hadn't been regular at best, and well medically…. On top of that the stress of everything from the last seven weeks was probably enough to throw even a young woman's body into disarray. 'If you must know medically I had issues when I did try - they told me it would be difficult for me to have kids… and…'

'Oh, I'm sorry' Jean interrupted in a hushed apologetic tone, before adding hopefully 'But it's not impossible… just difficult?' _So that would explain why our lovely Laura didn't put two and two together._

'Pretty much; very difficult, yeah' Laura said thinking back to when she was with Franco and they'd had the heartbreak of finding that out.

'So when where you last on?' ventured Jean

_God, she won't give up will she? _Thought Laura. 'Um… I think… _god I need my diary …_think I was on a couple of weeks ago'

'But were you though? It may not have been your period. It could have been one of these breakthrough bleeds and as for age, stranger things have happened, you should know being a doctor.' Now it was Laura's turn to roll her eyes at Jean. 'For what it's worth you're definitely within child worth rearing age. My friend fell pregnant at 46, and she had issues throughout her life. So it's possible'

_She really wants me to be, doesn't she? '_Potentially yes there is a chance but I doubt it. I tried in my thirties, but it never happened… so definitely not really on my radar. Y'know you really are wasted here Jean. You should have become a midwife or something.' Laura teased, trying to make the subject less heavy and less revealing about her

'If that's the case, does that mean you haven't taken a test?'

'Why would I have even thought about taking one?! Laura sighed exasperatedly. 'I just put it down to being under the weather' she shrugged.

Jean stared at the small doctor in front of her, and shook her head.

'Under the weather?! Just humour me for a moment - how do you explain the fact that just the smell of a tuna mayonnaise sandwich and an orange – Laura visibly shuddered - are enough to make you vomit? In my history of stomach bugs they don't make you do that, you should know you're a doctor. When I was pregnant with Chis it was eggs. Jesus, couldn't stand the smell of them…'

Laura went to protestbut Jean was on a roll now and wasn't going to let her or anything else to interrupt her.

'You look dog tired Laura and I mean that from a friendly point of view. I realise that partly stems from the grief – I just have to look at Hathaway to see that – but there's more to it than that! And even if it was just grief and a stomach bug, how the heck do you explain the cheese?' Jean had been waiting to use her best card until the end.

'Cheese?' Laura looked at her blankly.

'Yes cheese; yellow, smelly stuff Laura.' Jean said irritably. 'When I popped in to see Jess for some data about that case the other day? You were sitting there at your desk, eating it like it was going out of fashion. And not that I've been keeping tabs on you,' She held up her hands in defence 'BUT, you did say to Hathaway the other day, quite loudly I may add whilst I was passing how much you wanted him to buy some cheese on the way home as you were craving it.' _Unless it was some really weird kind of euphemism _

'Sorry, you're basing part of your argument on _cheese_?! I just happen to like it, a lot…' she drifted off, registering that she HAD been eating a lot of cheese recently. _In fact, it's the only thing she did want to eat, and her stomach was allowing her to eat. But hadn't that happened after the bug?! _

In the silence now that Jean had stopped talking, Laura found other oddities sprang to mind. _My breasts have been feeling slightly tender for a while, _she thought, but for some reason hadn't properly registered it. It dawned on her although she'd love to dismiss it as Jean just being eccentric, she was starting to think the woman did have a point. _You're a doctor Laura, how the hell didn't you see the possibility? _But even if it had registered with her, she knew she would have dismissed it knowing about her past.

Jean watched Laura think, her brow furrowed 'Mmm exactly. Look, make a doctors appointment pronto, but it's always better to check before - especially if you go in with a symptoms that sound exactly like early pregnancy. Come to mine tonight so you aren't alone and take a pregnancy test.'

Laura started to protest weakly, 'Jean..'

'Just humour me - anyway this is not a request Laura!' Jean said in a manner that she usually reserved for when asking an officer to do something with her – _someone had to whip her out of denial. _Laura could tell from her tone that there was no point in even trying to protest. 'I'll send you a text when I'm leaving with my address but it'll probably be around seven so just come by when you've finished. I'll pick you up a test so you don't have to worry about that.' Jean knew she'd rather get Laura a test – just looking at the woman she wondered how she was going to get through the day – and she'd rather know that there was one, rather than Laura 'forgetting' to get one.

Laura sighed, 'thanks' she mumbled.

'My pleasure', smiled Jean back at her, and then turned on her heels and walked out the toilets, shaking her head as she walked down the corridor_. If she was pregnant, then she'll need as much as support as possible especially without Robbie. Poor woman. _Jean felt a lump rise in her throat feeling overwhelming sadness for Laura's position, but she defied herself to cry, especially here.

Laura stared at the door as it slowly shut after Jean left. She felt like she'd been hit by a tornado. _Could I be? Or the fact I'm thinking that I could be mean I'm starting to go a little mad? _She suddenly felt the need to be outside, away from the overwhelming smell of bleach and the four white walls. Praying she wouldn't bump into James or DI Piper or Wells who she still needed to see, she walked as fast as possible to the station front door. The warm air hit her and she took a massive gulp of fresh air, she could feel that she was shaking and knew she had to sit down before she fell down but she wanted to get to her car, to get to her diary and to work out whether there was a possibility. 'Shit!' she muttered loudly to herself - shocking several people walking past out of their reverie - realising it would have to wait as she'd left her keys in her bag in the station,

She leant on the railings outside the station trying to clear her head and took several deep breaths to calm herself. There were black spots within her periphery vision and her legs felt weak, her stomach was uneasy and she was unsure whether she'd vomit or fall first, so she edged down carefully and sat on a step for a bit, rest her head in her hands, staring at the floor. When she looked all she could saw were young mothers with their babies pushing prams, babies and toddlers crying and their mothers struggling. They all looked so young. _Was it possible?_

It wasn't that Laura hadn't wanted children, it just never happened. In her twenties she was naive, and she always thought that she'd meet someone – the love of her life - have the 2.4 children and have a great career - like most of her friends from home. But, it had never happened like that, she'd had a succession of not so great boyfriends in her twenties and then mid- thirties she'd met the lovely Franco. He'd been the only one as such who she thought she may have a future with. They'd discussed children and decided to go ahead – even though Laura hadn't been that regular she knew of women who just seemed to get it right and fall pregnant. But it didn't happen for her, and after trying to for a while; they'd got checked out to find that medically for Laura it wasn't impossible but it would be difficult. A while after that the relationship disintegrated as Franco was relocated back to his native Germany.

Over the years the pain surrounding it had lessened - she'd had a great life and in the end was happy with how life had panned out. Then, she'd fallen for Robbie, and when they finally ended up being together, she realised he'd been the man that she'd wanted back in her twenties. He was her shining knight in armour and although she'd experienced love and thought at the time Franco was exactly that, she felt like she experiencing love for the first time. At infrequent times during their relationship she'd thought about if she'd got together with him earlier, when she'd first started in Oxford - if he hadn't been with Val - and how much she wished she could have had a child with him, someone who was a mix of him and her, running around, calling them Mummy and Daddy. But she knew that even if she wanted a child with him now - if found getting pregnant in her thirties impossible, in her forties it would have been the work of a miracle to get pregnant. So in the end she was happy that his children had accepted her and she'd become a sort of step mother to them and a granny to the beautiful Jack who she loved more then she thought possible.

As she sat on the step listening to the birds singing in the summer sun, she rubbed her hands over her arms, as she grew slightly chilly, even though the day was a warm summer's day. She mused further on what Jean had said and realised there was some truth to it. _It __**was**__ possible _she thought. Quite early on in their relationship they'd have that discussion, and decided to not use contraceptives. She trusted him, and knew he hadn't been with anyone but Val and he knew of her difficulty in getting pregnant so had thrown caution to the wind. _Don't be so silly Laura. You're not pregnant. You're just sick. If it continues you're going to have to go to a doctors anyway. But it is a good idea to just check dates… _she argued with herself. But she didn't want to get her hopes up. It had been so soul destroying the first time round, and now, when she was presented with a stick later on at Jean's she didn't want to cope with the pain from the double whammy of losing a child she'd never have and Robbie.

* * *

Half an hour later she made her escape, she knew her mind had wandered as she gave them thei Inspectors their PM results earning several disapproving looks from the cocky Wells, but she'd done it. She walked out quickly, hoping no-one would stop her or ask her to do something else. Her pager had also mercifully stayed quiet so she had enough time to sit in her car and think before driving back to work. Scrambling about in her bag, she fished out her diary. _Right, let's see. _Butterflies were spinning round her stomach, and she had to swallow several times to make the nausea abate. She saw a star, that was a first star in at least 2 months, a way that usually marked her period. She sat there the star going blurry and remembered the morning before they had found out about the potential release of Lawrie. She'd woken up and turned over to see Robbie asleep; his beautiful lined face peaceful with sleep and with the sun streaming in through the break in the curtains onto him she'd been overwhelmed with love, so she'd woken him up in that special way. Later on, he cooked her breakfast, with him in his boxers and a casual blue t-shirt with a smile from ear to ear that exposed his teeth and when he looked at her she realised just how happy he was. _It was bliss_ she thought.

The pain in her chest grew, and she tried to dismiss the thoughts by flicking through the days. She needed to stay together now. Her eyes rested on a couple of dates, _Shit. That night with James. _She shook her head, she wasn't entirely sure what _had _happened that night. To her it was just a blur of hazy memories. _But…if…_, _did he even wear a condom? _She tried to conjure up images, only to be hit by more hazy blur 'Shit!' she shouted out loud and hit her steering wheel. _If I was, could it be James' _She sat in her car, staring ahead, trying to dismiss the idea, and the fact she could be pregnant. Guilt started to overwhelm her though; _Robbie had stayed loyal to Val for ten years, and here she was unable to go a month without bedding his best friend._ She was grateful to Jean for even flagging it up but she really wished she hadn't. _Ignorance they say is bliss_ she thought. In that moment though Laura realised she'd never felt more alone in her life.

* * *

Jean was driving back from a meeting in Abingdon – something she despised that she had to do when she had a station full of murders, rapes and so on that needed to be dealt with – and decided to pull up at the local chemists and buy a pregnancy kit. It was easier then heading back into Oxford especially as it was four and parents would be picking their kids up from school – it would be hellish - considering that it was last day before summer holidays for some schools. She knew people who lived around here, so prayed she wouldn't run into anyone due to the fact it could make for a slightly awkward conversation.

She scanned the shelf for the brands, knowing now they usually did the how many weeks you were as well – only naturally it looked like it had sold out of the most useful ones –_sods law _she thought, so instead went for two bog standard ones that just showed a line. She knew from her past that more than one were better for checking. She started queuing for the cashier, only to hear her name being called. Turning around she came face to face with one of her husband's friends, Phil. _Bugger - it had to be the nosy git._

'Oh hi Phil!' She said, quickly whipping on her best fake smile.

What brings you to this side of town?' He asked nosily

'Oh y'know… meetings and the like.' She said, trying desperately to be discreet, and noting there was just two more people to pay. _PLEASE GO, _she inwardly screamed. But he was still standing there.

'I'm just here to get some cold relief stuff… got one of those nasty summer bugs. Sods law it would have to be me who got it.' _AH man flu - I think you're confusing me with someone who cares_ thought Jean who was still fake smiling and nodding her head to show that she had empathy for the man. 'So is Al back from.. where was he this time?' She could see his eyes flittering down to see what she was holding.

'India, and yes he's back. I'm sure he'd love to meet you for a beer and a curry, a real good man's night',

He laughed 'Well I'll give him a text then later.' Bet its nice knowing he'll be home for a while now.'

Jean laughed and moved forward to the cashier, and tried to discreetly hand them over to what looked like a fifteen year old who very indiscreetly scanned them – all the while glaring at her with disgust _and yes I may be the same age as your mother we are allowed to have sex! _

The silence was now really awkward and she looked up to see Phil still there, eyes like saucers and as red as a tomato. _Shit._

'Er.. well.. um..I'd better go and er.. find.. that.. er.. cold stuff.' He muttered, almost running away in his need to get away as quickly as possible.

She thought about going after him and explaining it was for a friend but decided against it. _It's none of his business for starter_s, even though she knew half of Al's friends would know by tomorrow that she'd been buying pregnancy testing kits. _Might do some good for Al's reputation _she smiled smugly, getting into the car and driving back to the station. Her mind less on work and more on Laura.

* * *

Laura's phone buzzed at just gone seven true to Jean's word. She'd had to do a particular grizzly PM shortly after getting back from the station on a young woman who was the latest victim of DI Wells murderer. It had been extremely depressing and thankfully the nausea hadn't made an appearance, but the tears and the tiredness had. She had managed to dismiss the thoughts surrounding her possible pregnancy because she knew this young woman needed her to be on the ball - which was hard enough when fighting through something that was akin to a fog in her brain.

It was close to eight when she'd finished packing up; putting the body away and cleaning her tools. She saw Jess's light was on, and walked over to the room; knocking lightly on the door and opened it.

'Hey, I'm knocking off now – if that's OK?' Laura said, emitting a jaw cracking yawn.

'Yeah it's fine. You deserve a night off anyway…I'll shut up shop.' The younger woman looked at her as Laura stepped away from the shadow of the door. 'Hobs you OK?'

'I'm just knackered that's all - long day! See you tomorrow then.' Laura said, relieved that she'd managed to escape this particular interrogation.

Jess nodded, and turned back to her work. When the door shut she looked up and mused on just how ill Laura had looked, suddenly and inexplicably a thought crossed her mind

_Maybe she's pregnant? _Jess was a romantic at heart and the only reference she had was of a couple of her friends falling pregnant recently. _Maybe she and Hathaway are lovers and that's why he seemed to be constantly at her house?_ She smiled to herself at being so ridiculous _you saw how happy Hobs and Lewis were - just because you fancy Hathaway…_

Her mind wandered over the times she'd met Lewis since his return from retirement. He was always kind and sympathetic to the 'clients' families, emitting an empathy that only those who'd been through a similar bereavement could do, and a compassion and a warmth that made it easier for them and for that she respected him even more then she already did. She'd liked him almost immediately, she thought he had a kind and understanding; if not weathered face that had seen its fair share of life; both happy and tragic events. She knew even before he'd returned how happy Hobson was with him – and when she saw them on the rare occasions outside of work she knew she'd want a relationship like theirs. She wasn't afraid to admit that when she'd found out about Lewis being murdered she'd sobbed like a baby. Then there was Hathaway, Lewis's sidekick and the complete opposite to him; tall, lanky, cigarette smoking enigmatic Adonis that was Hathaway….

She shook her head, whilst chewing the tip of her pen. It was late and her mind always ran away with her – her thoughts going back on Laura. _She could be pregnant, she'd had a few symptoms for a while now even before the stomach bug_. _I wonder… OR, it could be something worse, or just grief. She had to get Hobs to book an appointment for a doctors however scary her boss could be. _She smiled at herself, _now to just get this work done - PM analysis wasn't going to get done by itself_!

* * *

Laura walked wearily along the corridor; all she really wanted to do was sleep. Go home, get into bed and shut her eyes - then wake up and find it was all a nightmare - that Robbie was beside her - and that everything that was happening wasn't true. Something like the shower scene from Dallas_? _She loved that when she was younger – her guilty pleasure! But she knew she wouldn't wake up from this particular nightmare. As she was thinking about how blissful it would be to get into bed tonight so that she stop thinking, although she knew she'd probably not sleep until much later - she walked out of the hospital directly into James who was smoking, leaning up against the front of the hospital in the evening sunshine which was still warm even though it was just gone eight. _Great, the last person I wanted to see!_

She eyed him suspiciously wondering if he'd come to check up on her knowing that he was on paper work duty. 'You look like you're holding the hospital up standing like that' She quipped, noting how her voice seemed to sound much more aggressive then she hoped it would come out.

He looked at her, slightly surprised that he'd been snapped out of his reverie 'Comparing me to Atlas are we?' He mused for a moment; 'He was able to personify the quality of endurance…' _I'm the complete opposite _James thought.

'We too must endure and persevere in the inquiry, and then courage will not laugh at our faintheartedness in searching for courage; which after all may, very likely be endurance'* He said into the silence, trying to dispel the weird feeling of awkwardness he could feel. Laura looked at him, frowning 'Socrates' he said to more or less fill the silence

'Ah - why are you here James – I guess it isn't to spiel of Ancient Greek philosophers quotes' She demanded. _If he's checking up on me…_

'That idiot Golder – who somehow thinks I'm below him – asked me to come and get some results from Dr Carter.' He said vehemently 'and quite frankly the only reason I said yes, was to get away from the airless pit of a room I work in that has enough paperwork to sink the Titanic. Otherwise I would have probably hit the git' _More importantly I wanted to see whether you were OK _he thought, but decided not to mention it , not just now. _Why did he get the feeling that she wanted him to go?_

'Ah OK,' realising she needed to dial back her irritation. 'Yeah Jess is still in…' she nodded back at the station.

He frowned, watching her. She looked at him and saw that his brow was furrowed, looking in some concern at her; 'what?' she snapped. Normally she'd have offered up some sort of comfort telling him to calm down, that Golder was an idiot – but right now she didn't have inclination to do that.

'No nothing,' he shook his head - he said throwing his cigarette to the side. Then feeling a bit braver backtracked on himself; 'I heard about earlier', he said, nodding towards the laptop bag over her shoulder 'I see you're going – good - are you OK?'

_Ah there it was _she thought; 'Me? I'm fine' Her voice several octanes higher then she wanted it to be. 'Absolutely fine', she tried again, but realised she was fooling neither of them, she sighed 'I'm probably going to be late, so don't wait up' she relented.

'But you're going…' He looked confused, which irritated her further.

'I do have a social life, James' her reply was brusque, but she didn't care, she just wanted to go. _I'm definitely NOT telling you where I'm going… _

It's none of my business really' he muttered. 'But I'm glad.' _What social life? _He ungallantly thought.

'Not really no' Then looking at his hurt face, realised he had no idea what was going on and she really did need to dial back the irritation 'Look if you want to come over do. I'm just saying don't expect me to be there until late, and please don't drink me out of house and home.' She said more tersely then she realised and started to walk off in the direction of the car.

'Bye then' muttered James under his breath. He watched her walk off, the sun catching her hair _God she's beautiful _he thought, followed immediately by _what the hell is wrong with me? Don't be such a fucking sod Hathaway. _He shook his head free from the thought, and trying to push away the guilt he felt, he walked through the door and in the direction of Jess's room. _I wish she'd go to the doctors… she's been ill for a while now I don't want to lose her too, which is exactly what is happening, _he found himself thinking as he reached the door and gently knocked on it, and then dispelled the thought '_it's just grief, and probably having to look after me.'_

* * *

Laura drove slowly to Innocent's house. As much as she wanted to find out whether she was, she also didn't want to get her hopes up. She had wanted a baby, but not like this, _I'm not even sure_…. She shook her head free from the thought, and then blurry images from that night crossed her mind, and then Robbie's beautiful smiling face seemed to be in front of her; she blinked, trying to get the image away, but couldn't. She stopped her car on a layby and just had enough time to get out to the other side and vomit on the verge, the pain in her chest almost insufferable. Hathaway's words from a few weeks back 'grief has no closure' echoed in her mind.

She got herself together and finally pulled up to the house that her sat nav had shown her was the right one, and killed the engine. Two cars; a grey Volvo which she knew was Jeans, and a dark blue Audi A5 were outside. A cat was sitting on the bonnet even though it had been a warm summers day, and the birds were singing their evening song. The sky was a mixture of blue, pink, orange and yellow. She sat there for a moment leaning back against the seat, closing her eyes, thinking about Jeans idyllic life with her husband, , and trying to sum up the energy to walk up the steps to the front door.

Jean watched from a distance from the window, Laura seem to sit in her Alfa for what seemed like forever. As she got out Jean padded to the door in her slippers - still in a summery work dress having just put the kettle on. Calling over her shoulder to her husband who'd been reading the paper in the kitchen;

'Are you going to the pub tonight!?' she swung the door open even before Laura had made it up the front steps 'Hi Laura' she smiled at the blood shot, wan, exhausted looking woman on her doorstep.

Al emerged from the kitchen as Laura stepped into the hall way 'No.. why…should I be?' Confused, mainly as she hadn't said anything about it until now. _She was never usually this keen for me to go to the pub. _

'Laura this is my husband, Al..' Laura smiled, _so this was the mysterious Mr. Innocent, finally! _Walking further into the house she was hit by a combination of baked bread, lillies and perfume, and noticed the huge antique type mirror in the hall way by the front door. She couldn't help looking at herself, and was shocked by what she saw, she looked more awful then she thought was possible – _could probably scare little children - how ironic._

'Hi there' Al noted that the small woman standing in front of him looked absolutely exhausted and on the verge of tears - _Oh. Laura. As in THE Laura..._ _Ah this was why she's so keen for me to go to the pub. _He could cope with one emotional woman - but that was because he loved the bones of her - two, that really was asking too much.

He took his cue from Jean who was looking at him and was still standing with the door open. 'Yes, actually… I am. I'll give Phil and Simon a text on my way over..' he said, gathering up his wallet from the table in the hall way, kissing her on the cheek 'nice to meet you Laura' and walking out 'have fun!' he called over his shoulder. _They'll be on their second bottle of Prosecco and one of them will be crying, my guesses on Laura _he thought as he rounded the driveway onto pavement.

'Something I said?' Laura asked, gesticulating to the rapidly disappearing Al.

'Al's learnt over the years that being in the house with more than one woman is quite a scary concept. Anyway thought it was best that he wasn't here, y'know give us some alone time.'

Laura smiled and accepted the gesture. It was awkward enough being here, let alone being surrounded by two Innocent's.

'I've just put the kettle on, do you want a cuppa or…' she said, stopping her sentence or hanging in mid air.

'I…. think it's best if I just get it done with.' Laura muttered, Jean nodded.

'My thoughts exactly… right just a second, I'll just get them from my bag' she said, walking down the corridor and picking it up. Laura moved away from the mirror, just so she didn't have to catch herself looking into it. 'Thanks for doing this Jean'

'No problem.' She got the tests from her bag and walked towards Laura. 'I'll come up with you, show you were the bathroom is and then I'll stay outside the door. I'll be right there if you need me,' she said looking Laura directly in the eye, and rubbing the top of Laura's arm.

Laura smiled exhaustedly, the two women silently made their way up the stairs - conversation seemed needless. At the top of the stairs they turned right along the landing, and Jean opened the door. As it creaked open Laura admired just how big it was. She looked around her, noting how everything seemed to just have its right place, and she couldn't help smile at how 'Jean Innocent' it was; everything seemed to have its place, and naturally they were in those places.

'Here' said Jean, passing her the test, noting how clammy Laura's hands felt. 'Remember I'll be right outside.' As the door closed, Laura took several deep breaths trying to calm herself; _It's probably the bug. It's definitely won't be pregnancy, _she said trying to convince herself and failing.

* * *

A few minutes later she was sat on the edge of the bath, fingers curled round the bathtub, fingernails and knuckles turning white due to her death grip on the edge of it. She could hear the rush of blood as her heart seemed to beat faster and clatter against her ribs; she felt cold though even though she was overwhelmed by emotion. She was physically shaking, her hands were clammy, her stomach seemed to be angrily protesting and gurgling madly - nausea washed over her and her mind was blank - completely devoid of anything but how she felt in that moment. The two sticks were lined up and sat on some tissue on the edge of the sink. The instructions had fallen in the sink. 'Everything OK, Laura?' she heard Jean shout with some concern through the door, but to Laura it was faint only vaguely recognisable. Everything swam in front of her, black spots appeared in her vision. She tried to swallow down the nausea so that she could reply, but found she couldn't.

Laura propelled herself towards the toilet and just managed to get there when she vomited what little was in her stomach into the toilet bowl. Through her retching, she heard the door creek open and then felt a calming hand on her back; her hair was roughly pulled away from her face and into a pony tail. She looked out of the corner of her eye to see Jean putting a glass of water on the side, and then taking a long look at the sticks and then at the slightly damp instructions in the sink;

'I see congratulations are in order…'

* * *

* Taken from /quotation/we_too_must_endure_and_persevere_in_the_


	8. Chapter 8

**Finally managed to do Chapter 8; in-between a cold which evolved into man flu due to my inability to be all womanly and just get on with when it comes to these types of thing, and life getting in the way. Blame the angst on the cold meds.**

**I thought it was best that this chapter was just about Jean and Laura, and that this starts their friendship off for the story as such. I think the next chapter might stay with this night and be a night of the soul for all the characters involved before moving the story on, be nice to see what people think about that idea. Maybe even involving a flash back for Laura about Robbie's last day but don't know whether you guys would appreciate anymore angst then is necessary really.**

**Also thank you so so much again for all the lovely reviews. It really does make my day reading them! Also many thanks for klswhite for letting me borrow Jean' s nickname... which I think is the best nickname for Jean out there.**

* * *

The words caused Laura vomit again, and Jean offered up the best comfort she knew which was rubbing her back like she'd done many a time with Chris when he had been younger and been ill. The thick cloying smell of Jean's otherwise usually tasteful perfume washed over Laura and alongside the thought of being pregnant made her vomit again. Hot angry desperate tears fell from her eyes onto the rim of the toilet seat, as Jean made soothing noises that she hoped would calm Laura down. Jean knew it was pointless - that she would need more than just soothing words to help Laura - this wasn't as easy as getting over her son's avid hatred of being sick.

Laura finally stopped, her stomach now empty although she wasn't too sure what had been in there the first place, and stayed in place with her head over the toilet. She didn't want to move in case it provoked another round of vomiting, and she definitely didn't have the strength for it again. _I'm pregnant - why now? _went on a continuous loop around her head.

'You think you're done?' Jean asked, shocking Laura out of her small reverie. Laura nodded, still facing the cistern, too scared to even try to speak. She wasn't sure what would emerge if she did; either more vomit or howling, so she stayed quiet.

'Have some water' Jean ventured, offering her the glass of water. Laura shakily took the glass and Jean saw the tears cascading down Laura's cheeks. Jean looked at Laura, the otherwise strong, feisty doctor that she'd known from her time as being Chief Inspector was completely different to the woman she saw now sitting on her bathroom floor. _What a difference a matter of weeks can make, _thought Jean. She remembered her mother when they lost her father, she suddenly aged overnight – it had taken years for her to become even something like herself again.

Laura slowly sipped the water hoping it would calm her stomach down. A physical pain suddenly engulfed her, one that was stronger than the one she usually felt and a loud sob left her throat that she couldn't control. There in the middle of the bathroom the tears became bone shuddering sobs. 'It wasn't… meant….. too happen…. like this…Robbie…' Laura sobbed.

Jean was next to her within seconds – tears were making their way into her own eyes, but she pushed them away quickly. _Not here, and not now. This wouldn't help her. _Jean scooped Laura up and hugged her to her chest, wrapping her arms around her, feeling the sobs reverberate through herself. Jean rested her head on top of Laura's and could smell the berry shampoo in Laura's hair trying to make comforting noises to calm her down. Jean's eyes rested on the sink, and she found her mind going back to a time when she'd first found out she was pregnant.

It was a smaller bathroom to this and it had been painted a kind of sea blue. She and Al had only been married 6 months at the time - she was a sergeant and Al had started work on oil rigs. He was away for long periods of time, and then back on land in which he didn't make anything – so there wasn't that much money in the kitty. It was a the last month of his two month quiet period, and it was a cold February week day - one where it had tried to snow, but continuously failed - so the house was cold apart from the lounge where Al had managed to get a fire going in the old hearth. She and her inspector were trying to hunt down a serial killer who was murdering women in high positions in business. Going to the lab was the part of the job but she hated it with a passion, however this time she'd had to go and pick up some results. She remembered as she sat there listening to the old male pathologist discussing how the woman in question had been pregnant, and it had triggered the thought that she and Al had had 6 weeks of blissful un-interrupted sex. Going home that evening she'd picked a couple of home tests up and remembered the butterflies in her stomach, the anticipation and the coldness of the bathroom. Rather similarly to Laura she had three tests lined up on the sink, but different to Laura, the only tears she cried where of shock, joy, and happiness. She remembered Al picking her up and spinning her around. It wasn't what they had planned but they had been so happy about it. The happiness she'd felt that day, still to this day gave her a warm glow…

She snapped out of her reverie as she felt Laura move slightly and pull away from her. Laura moved and sat with the edge of the bath supporting her back, face in her hands, the sobs had calmed, trying to steady her breathing whilst hiccupping from the emotion. The skin around her eyes felt puffy, her eyes stung, her lips stung and she felt utterly drained from the emotion. _Why now? Why not when I was happy and wanted this…_

Jean sat beside her, resting her hands on Laura's hand. She didn't know how long they sat there - the silence punctuated only by Laura hiccupping. A kind of numbness had enveloped Laura, and she felt some comfort from Jean sitting beside her.

Jean for her part was musing on the moments that had led to this particular one here. Every single member of the police station she felt responsible for. But being Chief Superintendent wasn't an easy, just sit behind your desk kind of job and she loved the challenge even if it did give her sleepless nights sometimes. Most people at the station didn't realise how pressurised a job it was – earning her nicknames such as her personal favourite Iron Maiden, whenever she heard it she felt like she'd come straight out of Games of Thrones, her guilty pleasure. But, these sleepless nights often meant Al telling her to take a step back, worried at her intake of sleeping pills. But she couldn't, that station was her station. She'd worked her arse off to get to this point.

And so it was because of the pressure, because they lacked all important man power, she'd decided that getting one of the best cops she knew out of retirement was a good decision. Not just for her, but for Hathaway, who although he wouldn't admit it was struggling, looked to her like a lost boy. She'd hoped him leaving and then returning would mean he would be less intense, but instead his intensity had seemingly doubled. They all knew he could be a really great cop, and it gave her cause for concern that she probably wasn't the best person to make him be like that, so instead she had given that job to Lewis.

She remembered standing alongside the river watching people rowing, it had been a sunny but cold spring day with their takeaway coffee's, telling Lewis about her pressures, and realising that he looked the best he'd ever done; he was relaxed and happy and it showed. If she'd known then what she knew now; how it would have all ended, how a few months down the line he and Lizzie – a woman who she thought at the time could become her protégée - would be dead, she would have never rung him. _But that's hindsight. Were all wiser from it, _she thought sadly.

'There wrong sometimes aren't they?' Laura said quietly looking up at Jean, snapping Jean out of her reverie. Laura hoped that Jean would say something completely different to what she knew she would say. _I'm a doctor for God's sake. I know._

'Sometimes, possibly' shrugged Jean 'But two together, saying the same thing…'

Laura's eyes were stinging, and her vision was blurry from unshed tears; 'And when you add everything together…?' she muttered.

'It makes sense' Jean said quietly, head bowed. She wanted to say something, anything that would help Laura, but realised at this moment in time, there was nothing she could do – she couldn't take away this pain. Laura nodded resigned.

Jean wasn't that religious but she found a quote suddenly made its way to the forefront of her mind; 'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away… or something like that' She offered up into the silence with a sad smile, 'I'm not religious, but it's not the first time someone's died and someone that is close to them ends up pregnant.' _Why the hell did I say that? _'Sorry I shouldn't bring religion into it,' hoping she hadn't made it too awkward.

Laura let out a deep sigh that shook with emotion. The original pain had been overwhelming but as horrible as it was she had been getting used to it. But now, now this was like a whole new indescribable pain that seemed to be drawing her down. And it was pain mixed with a whole new stronger emotion of guilt. The guilt had been there since the other night but this was stronger, more powerful. The guilt of getting so drunk she couldn't remember whether she had slept with James… and _what if this….baby is his? What then? Why?_ _Oh god this is such a mess. _

'It may not even be Robbie's….' She uttered into the silence. Then realising what she'd said looked surprised like it had escaped her thoughts and become verbalised when she didn't expect it too. She hid her face in her hands as somehow it became more real.

Jean opened and closed her mouth several times, slightly shocked at what she may have just heard;

'Sorry?!' Jean probed, looking confused and puzzled. _Have I just heard what I think she said and… who?_

'Oh God Jean, we… there was a lot of drink involved and I went to comfort him, and then…well…'

_Oh my god. She slept with Hathaway! _Jean stared at Laura, she'd always prided herself that she couldn't be shocked anymore having worked in the police all of her adult career, but sometimes…

'It took Robbie ten years really, he never slept with anyone in all that time and… I… ' The guilt overwhelmed Laura, and angry hot tears that had been threatening to fall were now dropping from her face, Jean looked at her. _I can't judge either of you! _Thought Jean _you're both grieving._

'Grief effects everyone differently.' Jean thought back to the time her father died and how she and her sister couldn't have reacted more differently. 'But… you're talking about Hathaway? As in, you slept, with DI James Hathaway?'

'Potentially. It's all a blur and well…'

'When?' Queried Jean, and then realised it was actually none of her business 'not that it's any of my business…'

'The night Peterson caught her…' _That night _thought Jean. The night she had tried calling Laura on her home and mobile, and then finally got hold of Hathaway and had found that she was there too.

'You didn't use contraception?' blurted out Jean, and realised too late she had sounded like a mother scolding her daughter. _Shit._

Laura rolled her eyes at Jean; 'You're not the Chief Superintendent for nothing Jean…it's too much of a blur.' She said, closing her eyes against the thought.

'Oh Laura', Jean swung her arm around the woman and brought her in close to her shoulder. _What a mess! _Then inexplicably she had another thought;

'Has it happened again, or was that….?' Leaving the sentence hanging in mid air.

'Jean! No. How could you even…?' Laura prickled immediately.

'Sorry… I was just…' _being nosy _thought Jean.

Trying to calm herself Laura took a deep breath 'we just decided to forget about it and just be there for each other, you've seen what he's like at the moment...' she left her sentence hanging.

'That must be hard - especially with someone as intense as Hathaway.' Jean said quietly as she felt wetness soak through her shoulder, and gripped Laura's arm tighter.

'I'm trying to be there for him, but I'm just so exhausted, all the time…. And now I know why that is. Jesus!'

'You don't have to do it all by yourself Laura. I'm here. I'm responsible for him too.'

Laura didn't answer, the tears were still falling and soaking through Jean's summer work dress. In the silence and in the enveloping gloom of dusk they could hear the birds coming home to roost. Laura had always liked the sound of the crows flying back to roost for the night, they always sounded like they were laughing, but yet today sitting here they sounded like they were mocking her _I'm a doctor and I didn't even figure out I was pregnant?! How is this even possible? So long. Why, now?!_

'_A chattering crow lives out nine generations of aged men, but a stag's life is four times a crow's, and raven's life makes three stags olds, while the phoenix outlives nine ravens, but we the rich – haired Nymphs daughters of the Zeus the aegis holder, outlive ten phoenixes'* _The quote rather inexplicably came to the forefront of Jean's mind as she sat there, listening to Laura's breathing and to the crows coming home to roost, it was right though, she thought that it should come to her mind today. It belonged to an old long forgotten school time. She smiled at the memory of it, and marvelled at the jesting of the crows outside. She found her mind wandering to the ten years she'd known Laura. How she could count on one hand how many times she'd gone to the morgue or the lab. Results came to her usually in the office – she tried to stay away from the place as much as possible. They had occasionally met at office social events and at other social events over the years but didn't really go any further then the cursory politeness. Just acquaintances; nothing more, nothing less, both women knew where they were with each other. Now Jean was sat on her bathroom floor, hugging the small, petite blonde doctor who had just taken a couple of pregnancy tests and had divulged her deepest darkest secrets to her. She hoped Hathaway in some way, in his own way was looking after her, but she guessed Laura didn't want to crumble in front him because she was aware of his own guilt surrounding it all. She hugged Laura to her tighter and realised how much she would probably enjoy having Laura as a friend, they were after all cut out of the same mould.

Suddenly there was the sound of dogs barking that snapped them both out of their reverie. Jean sighed 'oh God', and prised herself away from Laura. 'Are you OK with dogs?' Laura looked up confused and then nodded. 'I'd better go and let them in otherwise we'll get complaints… Do you want to come down with me? I'll make us some sweet tea, think we both need it.'_especially after that._

'Got anything stronger?' Laura jested, getting up slowly she felt slightly dizzy and her legs were still shaky.

'You can dream on Doctor! The best you'll be getting is a cup of tea…'

Laura followed Jean out of the bathroom, wondering whether her legs would give way as she shakily made her way down the stairs to where the sound of the barking was coming from, realising that the earlier smell of lilies when she first walked in must have been a spray, as now there was a distinct doggy smell. They walked into the kitchen which was several degrees cooler then the bathroom, and Jean walked straight to the back door, calling the dogs.

The two golden retrievers and an elderly looking boxer came trotting towards her and then through the door, all making a bee line for Laura. Jean turned around to make the tea as the dogs busied themselves around Laura, 'just ignore them,' she told Laura, turning on the light, which made both of them wince having got used to the gloom.

'I didn't know you had dogs Jean.' _Why should I? _Laura bent down and started making fusses over the boxer and the younger looking retriever - who was incredibly gold compared to the other ones yellow one.

'The boxer, Albert is an adoptee, he was our neighbours and she died last year so we adopted him, and Katie the yellow one is a rescue. Chris wanted a dog so we got him Katie who no-one knew was pregnant and so we kept one – Bea. They like to sit outside under the willow, but around this time every night, be it rain or shine, Bert starts barking at something - probably answering another dog somewhere and it goes on forever, which is why I had to get to get them in,' She explained as she got out treats for the dogs so that they would ignore Laura.

Laura emitted a jaw cracking yawn that highlighted her complete exhaustion. She found herself thinking back to when she was younger and her family had had a retriever that had been the palest yellow. Whenever something had upset her she would normally sit with the dog and bury her head in its fur, smelling the doggy smell, and talking to it; knowing that it didn't judge her not matter what bad thing she'd done. _Life had seemed so straightforward then _she thought sadly_. _She would have told Jean about sharing a love for golden retrievers but she felt too exhausted and it was too much effort, so instead she just sat there, watching the dogs happily eat their treats.

She sighed. Instead she found herself voicing another feeling quietly; 'I wish I could swap places with him…everything is so hard'

Jean turned, open milk in hand and looked at Laura; 'Don't think like that – I know it's hard. You should take comfort from the fact that I never saw Robbie as happy, as relaxed…as he was with you in the past two years. I know I never met him before he lost Val but in those few years I saw you two together….' She stopped, wondering whether to go on 'Look this sounds cruel, but it's better that it was him not you. You gave him a reason to live. If you'd died on top of Val, it would have destroyed him. Robbie would have understood everything', Jean said, passing her a cup of tea.

Laura nodded; 'he was completely different after the hit and run, he drank his fair share too'… she said quietly.

'No-one, not even Robbie could judge you for what you and Hathaway may or may not have done.' Jean ventured.

Both of them were silent for a while, sipping the hot sweet tea. Laura heaved a huge sigh and still staring at her cup spoke quietly and within her voice Jean could hear the tiredness and the pain 'I'm pregnant Jean. I'm actually pregnant', almost like saying it would mean she got her head around it. 'and I'm 47… how the hell am I going to cope? 13 years ago sure. Easy. Now… my beautiful Robbie's gone… and… ' She trailed off, and then tried to start again. 'Have you ever felt so much pain that you wonder how you're going to survive?' Laura said quietly.

Jean nodded, remembering the dark days after a late miscarriage, and then her father dying. The pain she felt had been overwhelming. But she managed to claw back from the edge because she had Al and she had Chris. _Is it easier to lose someone you loved for a long time and hadn't been with as such or harder? _She thought.

'Laura you'll cope. If there is something I knew about you, you're strong and independent. You're a fighter… look at those twins when they tried to kill you. That didn't destroy you.'

'That was different, Jean. Robbie was there… even James…'

Jean sighed, 'Look, the Dr Hobson I know wouldn't have been like this. You're exhausted, yes, but you will be able to do this. Plus, you have me, Hathaway…' she trailed off, knowing that Laura wasn't taking any of this on board, and so changed tactics realising the tough love probably wouldn't do Laura any good at this moment in time. 'Do you think you could manage something to eat. Because you should.' Laura nodded silently.

'Al made some fresh bread today… could you manage toast?' queried Jean. 'I think it's parmesan and tomato or some other odd combination. He's off for a week so he's getting his hands dirty in the kitchen' She offered as a way of an explanation.

Laura watched as Jean cut several slices of bread and then said; 'Go on tell me you told me so…You're right after all' she sighed resigned.

Jean looked up from the toaster, and stared at the younger woman. 'What? Laura. No. Believe me. I am NOT taking any sense of glee away from this.' Jean replied shocked.

'Sorry … I know… just…Oh God Jean… I'm pregnant. Why now? Why not when I was thirty –two and I was trying to have one so badly and….why, HOW?!' Laura raised her hands and brought them down to the table with a heafty bang. Katie and Albert both opened their eyes and peered disdainfully at Laura for making the noise and waking them up.

'Because of a law called sod, Laura.'

'I just want to wake up. I want to be in Dallas…. ' Laura got her phone out of her pocket to see why she was vibrating... 'oh no… James. SHIT' She sat staring at the phone, like it was some kind of foreign object unable to decide whether to pick it up or not. Jean walked over, and took it from her and turned it so it faced the table and she couldn't see that James was ringing her and so that it stopped vibrating, 'Just leave it,' she said gently. The toaster popped up, signalling the toast had done.

Laura nodded, too weary to answer, and picked up the toast and nibbled at it, taking sips of the sweet sugary tea that Jean had made her.

'He's an awkward sod at the best of times', Laura said, thinking back to the time where she and Robbie had sat in a pub, by a fire, he was nursing a beer, and she'd had a lemonade and how Robbie hadn't wanted James to go, because 'but he's my awkward sod.' She smiled at the memory, of before it all began really – it was years ago now. _People don't know how you feel unless you tell them, _she remembered telling Robbie.

'That's one way to put it', Jean laughed.

'I'd better go and sort him out, it's late,' Laura said looking at the clock on the wall – thinking that was the last thing she wanted to do, she didn't want to see him or speak to him. Not tonight. All she really wanted to do was sleep but it was hot and she doubted she'd probably get very far especially with everything that was going on around her head. She needed to check to see whether she could take a valium – the only feasible way of her getting any sleep tonight.

'No you're not Dr Hobson. Tonight you're staying here, I'm not having you drive back in this state'

'But….' Laura protested

'But nothing… I won't hear of it. You look absolutely exhausted to the point that I'm surprised you haven't just sat down and fallen asleep where you are. Send a text to Hathaway explaining that you're staying the night. I assume you haven't told him…' Laura shook her head, as she drank some more of the now tepid tea. 'Are you going too?' ventured Jean.

Laura looked up at her, realising that at some point she would have too, but she couldn't figure it out in her head; 'That I'm here? No… I met him as I was walking out of the hospital' She emitted another jaw cracking yawn 'and scornfully told him that I was going off to have a social life. He's like a walking ghost at the moment, Jean…'

'Well, right now I'm more concerned about you as you're sitting in my house–just make up an excuse and bob's ye uncle. I have an unopened nighty if you want to borrow it – I brought it the other day and I have packaged toothbrushes in the cupboard so you don't need to worry about that. Is there anything else you want to eat?'

Laura shook her head, her stomach now filled with the couple of pieces of toast, she felt oddly saited from the crying and how drained she felt.

'Right, good… do you want another cup of tea?'

Laura nodded; 'y'know I've always thought the nickname the Ice Queen didn't do you justice. You're definitely more of an Iron Maiden…'

Jean smiled at Laura, realising that the doctor wasn't totally lost 'Personally I think it's the best nickname I have…' winking at Laura.

* * *

*Quote comes from Hesiod _The Precepts of Chiron._


	9. Chapter 9

**Many apologies for this being so late to upload. The only excuse is that of life, which isn't really an excuse but it has been insane lately! This chapter is smutty at times (as is the next one at times), so I will change if to an M if other readers think it's more suitable- I put it in there as a a reliever of the all the grief and angst we are seeing as well in this story. **

** I hope you like AL by the way, I like to think of him as a Colin Firth type character, but then again I can't really decide in my head. Way to many men in Hollywood at the moment!**

**Anyway, this chapter is still in the present. The next chapter is a flash back.**

**Hope you enjoy, please review. As ever I love getting reviews and seeing what people think about it. Promise the next chapter I upload will move the story on somewhat, and it won't take forever to upload. Any mistakes are my own.**

* * *

Laura padded naked from the bedroom into the ensuite; she wanted a warm shower even though it had been a hot day in the hope it may help her to relax and fall asleep, or even wash out away everything from today. She peered into the massive mirror. Two puffy red – blood shot eyes peered back at her, and she noted how the shadows under her eyes could be given their own postcode. She looked wan and pale and felt just how she looked. Her legs ached. She didn't really recognise the woman peering back, _how is my heart beating, when it creates so much pain, _she vaguely wondered. She thought back to endless figures on her morgue table and wondered if their common garden heart attack had been caused by the pain of losing a loved one.

Her gaze in the mirror moved down and laid to rest on her stomach. She looked down at her stomach for the first time in the large mirror and did the pose that she'd seen numerous pregnant women do; one hand on top just under stomach and one on the lower part. As of yet there was nothing really to see, and she realised she felt slight disappoint at this. She rested her hand on where the baby was developing and realised it didn't feel that different. She looked up and scanned her breasts in the mirror, touching them slightly and quickly releasing them as they felt tender and sore, as she looked at them she realised they were slightly fuller and if she wasn't mistaken her nipples may have changed.

She stood there for a while. _I'm pregnant! if it's Robbie's_ She smiled at her reflection, remembering how Robbie would sometimes come up behind her when she was about to get in the shower and kiss the nape of her neck – she let out a half sob, half chuckle. _It would be alright, wouldn't it?! _But she didn't really convince herself, so she moved away from her reflection and the mirror and got under the warm water, hoping to wash away the pain.

* * *

James sat in the busy crowded pub garden and heard the bell ring for last orders, he frowned as he looked at his phone, wondering why Laura hadn't called him back or texted. He didn't want to be here, but Jess had cajoled him into coming with some other lab doctors, telling him that he shouldn't be at home alone. He had wanted to tell her that he wouldn't be, Laura would return and somehow in amongst the grief and the guilt he felt better just seeing her there.

_I just want to be able to rewind time – _he thought, looking curiously at the others, laughing and joking. He felt out of place here; almost singled out with the grief. He felt like he'd almost forgotten how to laugh. He looked at Jess, a beautiful young woman, full of life. _What are her ghosts? _He thought. Her long brown hair scooped up into a messy pony tail, freckles adorned her face, she had beautiful hazel eyes that before… before it had all happened, he knew he could have quite easily lost himself in. She looked happy, joining in with the banter of her male colleagues; '_don't be silly Hathaway_…._someone like her wouldn't have ghosts…'_

He got up from the table unsteadily and went to make his apologies – he wasn't too sure how many he'd had at this point. He wanted to go back - to the silence. To the ghosts. He belonged there. He realised no-one would listen to him anyway. As he made his way out; his phone buzzed and he looked down at the text; '**Sleeping over. Everything OK.'** From Laura. He wasn't sure it was meant; whether it was a statement or whether it was a question – he shook his head and put the phone back in his pocket, lit his cigarette and walked off down the street, darkness enveloping him.

* * *

Alex came home at just gone half 11. He walked up the drive way, and noticed the small silver Alfa that had been there when he'd left was still there. _Odd – it's a school night._

He opened the front door and realised that the house was quiet and still – bar the woofs from the indignant dogs that were shut in the kitchen - and the only light turned on was the hall way. He took his shoes off and as he padded into the kitchen, turning on the light, and saw the back door was open. 'Jeannie?' he called softly, and then stuck his head round the corner and realised they weren't there. _Ahhh, maybe upstairs. _He looked at his watch again, 11.40. _She must be sleeping over. _

It was a muggy night, and he decided to leave the back door open for the dogs. Jean hated him doing it - the Detective Superintendent in her would always fight against the idea, worried about nutters finding them, especially the ones she'd put away, but he always saw the dogs as a deterrent and he just felt it was kinder for them instead of being trapped in the house when it was so hot... He walked over to the sink and poured himself a glass of water knowing otherwise he'd have a hellish hangover the next day, even though he'd drunk only about 3 and a half pints. _Not like the old days_. He looked around the kitchen to see whether there were any remnants of the night the girls would have had together, usually there would be wine glasses in the sink and an empty bottle or two of red wine. Instead, he noted that the bread, had nearly all but gone, and the tea pot in the truth be told the Jean of late had become different to the Jean of old; and it concerned him. Alex knew what had been going on at work had affected her more then she'd let on to anyone which is why he'd decided to step down for a bit from the travelling part of work, so he could be there to help put her back together. It concerned him more than he let on, the last time it was him, and he didn't cope well, and they'd separated for a while. He shook his head against the miserable memories that floated back.

He sighed, looking up at the light as he heard the whirring of the moths trying to get to the light bulb, patted the dogs goodnight, and decided to go up to bed. Jean would probably either be still talking to Laura in the spare room, or she would be reading a book, feign anger at him coming back smelling of curry and Phil's cigarettes, and then they would have a 'making up' session, although it was hardly making up, just her being glad to have him home. He grinned at the thought of it, and made his way up the stairs.

Alex opened the bedroom door and felt slightly shocked as he walked through the door and was greeted by a scene that surprised him.

The side lamp was on, a glass of red sat on the side table. Jean lay in the middle of the bed, her eyes closed, her steady breathing signalling that she was asleep, her hair roughly tied back with strands hanging down. The window was open, and he could hear the crickets chirruping and there was a breeze that slightly moved the heavy curtains. The duvet was on the floor where she had cast it aside knowing it would be too hot. He knew it was a school night but she usually always stayed away for him to come home.

'Jeannie?' he asked quietly. She didn't answer and sighed softly in her sleep. He stared at her, taking his beautiful wife in. He was so lucky to be with her, and he knew that. He thought about the things he'd love to do to her, but knew that she needed her sleep. He unbuttoned his shirt and padded quietly into the bathroom, closing the door slightly so that she didn't wake up.

He turned on his electric toothbrush and started brushing his teeth staring down at the sink. Suddenly he felt her presence behind him, and felt the silk of her nighty press into his back, her hair tickling the back of his shoulders, her hands came round to his chest and pressed him to her as she placed little kisses on his shoulder. He took his tooth brush out his mouth, putting it down and stared at the image in the mirror, placing his hands on hers.

'You are my earth and my moon. I don't know what I'd do without you… I love you so much Al' he heard her say as she placed the tickly little kisses on her back.

He turned around in her arms to face her, concern rising. 'Jeannie?'

She shook her head, and her arms fell to his waist. He brought a finger up to just under her chin, bringing her head so that he could look into her eyes. He saw tears forming in her eyes as she looked into his eyes and saw the answer he was looking for. 'Not now Al,' He leant down to her lips, and their mouth met. He kissed her tenderly putting all the 26 years they'd been together into the kiss, tasting the white wine on her lips.

He wrapped his arms around her, pushing her closer, marvelling at how she felt in her silk nighty against his bare chest, her nipples pressing into him, deepening the kiss, using his tongue to invade her mouth. She felt him stir against her lower belly and she groaned with would be pleasure. She wrapped her hands round his neck, as his hands let go off their fierce protective hug and glided over the silk to her buttocks, caressing and squeezing them. She groaned into his mouth, enjoying the sensation, whilst he stirred some more.

She pulled away from him and smiled seductively at him under her eyelashes and turned and walked to the doorway of the ensuite. The light from the bathroom fell on exactly the right place, as she turned, and then put a finger under each strap of her nighty and pulled it across her shoulders. She stood there, as it was no longer held up by her body, and fell to pool at her ankles. He gasped, as his wife stood there, more beautiful than he could imagine as she smiled slightly at the effect she had on him still even after so many years together.

'You're so beautiful' he spoke, his voice seeming strange to him from the lust that was within him.

Teasing him she walked further into the bedroom, he followed. He got to her before she got onto the bed, and turned her around, and took her head in his hands. kissing her slowly, using his tongue to feel around her mouth. Her hands moved down to his trousers, and quickly unbuttoned them, and added some pressure so that they fell of him alongside with the boxers he was wearing. She took him in her hand, and started stroking him, making him moan into her mouth, and started to kiss her hungrily.

'Not today Jeannie' he spoke gruffly, breaking the kiss. Taken by surprise he pushed her down to a lying position on the bed.

He separated her legs and started running his hands up her legs, followed by his mouth. His hand reached up and gently started caressing her breasts, tweaking her nipples and running his thumb over them. She groaned as pleasure started to grow as his mouth met her folds and started licking her core, knowing exactly where she would most likely come undone. She ran her hand through his hair, as she felt herself beginning to go.

'Al, please….I need you'

Al looked up and got further onto the bed, running light kisses up from her folds to her breasts and started sucking and nipping her breasts. His hand stayed where his mouth had been, and he inserted several fingers, which made her gasp from the pleasure. Her hands wrapped in his hair, bringing him closer to her.

He moved up Jean's body, and removed his hand, so that he could kiss her. He put his mouth onto her hers and kissed her deeply slowly bringing his hand up to tickle her nipples, watching the peaks become harder with the pleasure.

'Please', she moaned into him, He brought himself softly down over her, and inserted himself, as she wrapped her legs round him. Jean moaned at how full she felt and they moved together.

Al rolled them over without breaking the connection, letting Jean take control. He knew that this is what she needed. She sat up, and rolled her hips over him, the flush rising on her chest. He flicked his thumbs across the taut peaks, making her moan more.

'Look at me Jeannie', and Jean opened her eyes and saw Al staring into her eyes, seeing the love and the passion he felt. He ran his thumb lightly over her breast 'let go Jeannie'

Hearing her name, as he thrusted into her alongside the slight breeze that came in, gently touching her, was enough to send Jean spiralling over the edge, crying out his name.

He felt her muscles contract around him and sent him spiralling crying her name.

* * *

Jess looked up at the other end of the table, and realised that Hathaway had gone. _Not even a bye _she thought. She made her excuses to her colleagues, it gave her a justification to go as she needed to be level headed tomorrow, she'd already possibly had one too many – she was after all a light weight.

Jess walked slightly unsteadily down the high street to get back to her flat wondering what had happened for Hathaway to disappear like that. Up ahead she saw a figure standing outside a college that looked like Hathaway illuminated by the lamp posts, one leg up on the wall, smoking, staring up at the sky.

She walked purposely over to the blonde haired figure and stopped just in front of him and realised with some shock that he was crying, big tears falling down his cheeks as he stared up.

'Hathaway?' she asked gently, concern etched over her voice, touching him on his elbow.

He jumped, shocked out of his reverie, and quickly tried to wipe away the tears - but he realised from how her face looked she'd already seen them.

'Sneak up on everyone like that?' he asked.

'Only the lucky ones!' She quipped back.

He guffawed, which quickly changed into a weird sob like laugh – a red hue beginning to form on his face. She chose to ignore it, not really knowing how to react but realising that he probably needed to be with someone.

'Why did you disappear like that?' She walked over to him and stood beside him, smelling the cigarette smoke and trying to capture what he'd been looking at by looking up at the sky, and instead thought there was too much light pollution to really see anything.

'Because' he sighed 'because I wanted to be alone.' Telling only the half – truth. He saw her looking up; 'Night's heart is full of pity for us: she cannot ease our aching; she takes our hand in ours, and the little world grows very small and very far away beneath us, and borne on her dark wings, we pass for a moment into a mightier Presence than her own, and in the wondrous light of that great Presence, all human life lies like a book before us…

'…and we know that Pain and Sorrow are by angels of Gods…' Jess finished for him smiling 'Jerome K Jerome, three men in a boat I believe'

He smiled at Jess, slightly shocked that someone else knew the quote. 'What? I'm an educated young woman Hathaway,' grinning at him.

He looked around to see where the rest of the people she'd been with where. 'Dr Carter where you walking home alone?' realising no-one else was with her.

'Yep… you're going to tell me that I shouldn't be aren't you- being an officer of the law.'

He smiled, and she noted what a beautiful smile he had. 'Don't know what the summer heat can do to the good people of Oxford, Dr Carter'

'It keeps us in work I guess', she shrugged. _Ever the realist_ she thought. _How boring_.

'Do you want me to walk you home, Jess?' he asked, surprising her out of her own reverie.

'Sure, never been one to turn a handsome young man walking me home who can also keep the terrors of Oxford away.' She joked.

'Ah. I wouldn't go that far, maybe I'm the monster?' _who destroys everyone around him. _

'If you are then I guess I have nothing to fear', she nudged him still smiling.

They walked together in companionable silence; Jess wondered about asking him about Hobson but she decided having met him in the state he was in earlier it was easier not too, she didn't want to upset him again, so instead she enjoyed the comfortable silence.

When she reached her door she put in her key and turned around to see him stood there in the doorway not having walked up the step yet. Finally she was at the right height look into his blood shot eyes. She put a hand on his chest and looked at him

'Seeing you as you walked me home and protected me from the goblins, fancy a cold beer?'

He nodded, yet neither of them seemed able to break away the gaze, and James found himself fantasisng about her perfect red lips and had an overwhelming urge to kiss her. He gently rested his forehead against her, and their mouths met; it started out as tender, and then he was suddenly invading her mouth, their tongues met and he could taste the wine on her tongue. Her hands where round his neck, whilst his roamed freely over her back, down over her jeans, pulling her closer.

_Oh god. What am I doing? If…. I'm going to destroy her. _He pulled away and she looked at him and saw the fear in his eyes.

'James?' she questioned him quietly.

'I can't sorry…' and he pulled away from her hands, almost running down the road away from her and the house.

She stood there, looking confused and watching him go. She brought her hand up to her lips and lightly touched them as if to believe this was finally happening. She was glad it was dark and that he didn't turn around, because otherwise he'd have seen her red with embarrassment. She turned, and slowly turned the door key letting herself in, wondering what the hell had just happened.

* * *

Al lay on the bed, beside him Jean was curled up by his side, he had his arm over her and slowly ran his finger up and down her arm. It was hot, but neither of them cared. She felt secure, and lying next to him, feeling his heart pulse the blood round his body she felt her anxiety slipping away

'Thank you for knowing what I needed' breaking the silence.

'I saw it in your eyes.' He said softly, looking down and kissing the top of her head.

'You saw what I needed in my eyes… seriously?' she asked incredulously.

'Jean I've been with you for 26 years, I know. You were asleep when I woke in', she started to protest 'don't Jeannie, you were. I know work is hard, and I know whatever has gone on tonight has been hard, all tea and no wine, plus Laura's car is still outside. That moment back there in the bathroom… you're a strong woman, but I can tell you're fragile. When I looked into your eyes, I realised you needed me to help put you back together, to help you gain control of whatever it is that's circling your head. I know you love me with all your heart, but very rarely...'

She turned up and looked up at him interrupting him 'Very rarely am I that… sentimental?' finishing the sentence for him.

He nodded. 'I'm such a lucky woman to have found someone who knows me and cares about me so deeply', she smiled up at him, placing a kiss on his nose.

'Jean, I'm the lucky one - I love you more each day, to the point of distraction mostly. I'm not sure how I get any work done'

She laughed, and he smiled at her, thinking how wonderful it was to hear her laugh. 'What happened tonight, Jeannie?' he asked quietly.

She sighed, and settled back down into him, nestling beside him, before she answered him.

'Laura found out she was pregnant this evening in our bathroom. I saw a depth of pain in her eyes that I never knew existed, I hurt like hell when….. but you weren't….. I couldn't do anything to help her, I can't turn back time and bring him back and stop everyone hurting.'

'You did the right thing at the time. Everyone knows that'

I may have done the right thing for work, but it's not just that…. all I could think off afterwards was how lucky I am to have found my soul mate years ago, to have been able to make a family and have all these years and memories with you, and know I have so many more. Laura doesn't have any of that', tears silently fell from Jeans face onto his arm.

He stroked her hair gently 'and you felt guilty?'

'So guilty, for taking away the one thing that she needed.'

'You shouldn't feel guilty sweetheart. You couldn't control what was going to happen, and you can't control it now. Just be there for her.' He kissed her hair, 'you're an amazing strong woman Jean Innocent and I know you will do all you can for her, but you need to let go of this guilt, none of this is your fault.'

She smiled through her tears, 'thank you for always being on my side', turned into him, their mouths and tongues meeting, she melted into him as he kissed her with the same passion as when they first kissed. The troubles of the evening suddenly seemed far away….


	10. Chapter 10

**This chapter involves a flashback of both Laura and Robbie involving when they last had 'funny business' ;), so beware this chapter does hold smut...**

* * *

Laura sat on the futon near the open window hoping to catch a breeze. The room she was in was horribly warm. She knew that even though she wanted to sleep, it wouldn't happen to her tonight, and she'd probably have to take an elusive valium. Her mind was whirring with thoughts and unresolved questions, but throughout it all, one remained.

She was pregnant. Robbie was dead. Hathaway could be the father.

_Shit what a mess!_

She sat there thinking of the times they could have had, how everything would have been so very different if Robbie had been there. She found her mind wandering back to the time of when he went and rescued that young lass from the canal boat, the first time they'd held hands. She thought she would lose him that night, and the relief that drowned the fear when he emerged carrying her from the river boat. There was no relief from this. If she'd known what she knew now would she have continued to fall in love with him, be his partner, knowing of the agony that awaited her. _Maybe the fates were chasing him, _she thought, and then tried to shake the thought away. Would she had the dinner at the Randolph with him when she would have known? If he'd died, if the gas bottles had exploded on that barge then it would never have got to this point, yes it would have hurt and yes she would have grieved but it probably wouldn't hurt as much as it did now. _Was it better to have loved and lost, or to have got to that point where it was so near for them being together and then lost him? _A fox screeched and she was shocked out of her reverie as it made her jump. _Don't be silly Laura, you were so happy with those two years._

She absent mindedly rubbed her stomach, and found her mind flashed back to the last time they'd made love, if she'd known what was about to happen, would she have done something different? In the silence of the room she realised she missed the snoring that interrupted the darkness usually. She knew she'd have to punch him in the ribs or get him to turn over, and she on a rare occasion would spend her night in the spare room. _Why did I complain about it? It seemed so silly now._

* * *

Laura woke to a loud snore that sounded like someone had started road works outside. She slowly opened her eyes, and found herself looking at the window still, sun streaming through the window this time. She waited for a moment to see if it was really road works or in fact was Robbie. Robbie's next breath vouched for her that it was him, rather than some ill – conceived council idea, and she found herself peering at the clock; where it read 4.30am. **_FINE. This time I mean business Robert Lewis!_ **This had been the third time she'd been woken tonight. She turned over, gearing herself into action to push him over seeing that sharp jabs to his body wasn't going to help matters at all. She found herself looking directly into his face, the sun bean that had pushed its way into their bedroom, was lighting up Robbie as he slept, and she was amazed by the overwhelming love that enveloped her for this man, to the point where it almost took her breath away, and she felt overawed by how she felt. Laura had read about it in books before and seen it in films, sure, but she never thought it would happen to her, and she'd always scoffed at the idea of being that much in love. She knew she took him for granted and moaned at him for not doing things, but she loved him more than words could say. This morning, she realised that instead of trying to push him out of bed she wanted to wake him up and tell him how much she loved him.

She stared into the beautifully etched face and saw the young man she first met - only now older and his hair specked with grey and thinning rapidly. He's so handsome. _**How come I didn't realise that my soul mate was him for all these years?**_

She leant up on her elbow and as she was further down the bed then him, smiled wickedly at the thought of waking him up in the manner she knew he loved and then they both would enjoy the early morning before work, _**then we could both be as exhausted as each other for all the right reasons.**_

He was still naked, she knew that from having sex last night. She'd got up the first time his snoring had woken her and put on one of his long – shirts as it was still only Spring time so she still felt quite chilly in the night even with Robbie beside her. She moved her hand slowly up over his leg, whilst the snoring continued. Laura slowly reached the area that she knew would wake him and started to stroke him. She kept watching his face, and noticed him swallow, but nothing more than that happened.

Her stroking became long languishing strokes, and as she moved her hand the snoring stopped. Robbie's eyes flickered open with a look of surprise on his face that goes with the bafflement of being woken up from a deep slumber. Laura could tell that he had trouble focusing his eyes on her and when he finally replied he groaned from the pleasure.

'Ohhh pet.'

'Shhhh' she said, putting a finger to his lips. 'Good morning Inspector', she smiled at him, eyes sparkling. She pulled herself up and their mouths finally met, tongues rapidly exploring each others mouths, their teeth clashing, signalling their hunger for each other.

He moaned into her mouth as she changed her stroking. His hands slowly moved up and he gently tugged on her nipples through his shirt, causing arousal to shoot through Laura, making her feel on fire. She pulled away from this kiss 'No Inspector, this is your wake up call for keeping me awake.' He replied with a grunt of pleasure.

She started running kisses and lightly nipping him down over his neck and across his shoulders, as her hand gestures became more rapid. She moved her head down, over his nipples, licking them and tugging them. She knew what would work for him and she always used it to her best advantage.

'Ohhh Laura', he groaned as the pleasure started to overwhelm him.

he removed her hand from his length and he groaned at the loss of contact and from the pleasure that still needed to be abated. She smiled up at him through her eyelashes, and making sure they made eye contact, she inserted him gently into her mouth. Laura relished his taste in her mouth. She used her tongue and drew a light line up the side of his length. As she reached the tip, she swirled her tongue around the sensitive area, as his groaning suddenly became loud as an expletive escaped his mouth. As she tried to keep eye contact with him Laura realised how much she loved watching how he responded to her. Seeing him so aroused just made her feel equally aroused.

With her other hand, she started touching herself, massaging her breasts so that Robbie could see. She felt fire spread throughout her body. He watched her, and groaned, and his hands found their way into her hair, slightly tugging at her. Laura paused, withdraw him from her mouth and instead teased him with a light touch from her thumb.

'Laura' he grunted, 'Shit…Close'

She swirled lightly over his tip, and then inserted him back into her mouth. The sensation was enough for him to go over the edge and he exploded, shouting her name…,

Laura settled back down next to him nestling into him, relishing from the warmth of the body next to her,so happy that she could give something to the man she loved as he came back from the pleasure. They lay there for a while, just listening to their breathing.

'Wow pet…Is it me birthday and I don't know?' Robbie broke the silence.

She smiled remembering his birthday and how they'd spent it 'You should be so lucky…I just realised that the old elbow to the side manoeuvre wasn't working, so I thought of one way to wake you up and obviously it did the trick - it was either that or leave and sleep in a cold bed, which I really didn't fancy!'

'You're a wicked woman Doctor!' She felt him place a kiss on her hair. Lying there she could feel his heartbeat and she'd never felt safer.

'Bloody hell it's 5am and we don't have to be in work for...Ooooh another five hours– what say we make use of this early morning?' She looked up and saw he broke out into the boyish grin she so loved, causing arousal to flood through her again.

'I think you're onto something there Inspector,' she said as their mouths met, tongues intertwining with each other. They lay there kissing, side by side for some time, until Laura felt Robbie's free hand move up under her t-shirt and across to her breasts. He lightly touched them and then gently pulled on the nipples making her groan with the pleasure of not only what he was doing but also from feeling his arousal grow beside her leg.

He pulled his arm that was under Laura free, and positioned himself over her. Their kissing going from slow and languishing to deep and hungry, teeth clashing and tongues wildly exploring each others mouth. He pulled away suddenly and tried to pull the shirt that she was wearing over her head with some difficulty. Eventually she had to wiggle herself out, so that she wasn't lying on it and after what seemed like a life time he finally pulled it over her head, freeing her from it.

'You're ….beautiful pet', he said looking at her, grinning like a Chesire cat.

He leant down, and started to suck at her nipples. The sensation was that of sheer pleasure and it made her groan, whilst his hand moved slowly down over her stomach to her folds, and gently teased her. At the same time, he started to nip at her breasts, creating a new sensation as he masterfully inserted several fingers, lightly touching the place he knew would be her undoing.

'Robbie, please!' She begged, wanting to feel him in her.

From the times before, Robbie knew what she was begging for, and positioned himself over her, bringing his mouth onto her mouth. Teeth clashing and lightly biting at her lip as he slowly inserted himself. They were both still for a moment as to enjoy the moment and the fullness of being joined. Then Robbie started thrusting and Laura brought her hips up to join him, as their tongues wildly explored each others mouths. His thrusts became more powerful. Laura swung her legs around him to make him go deeper, and then she felt herself going and suddenly her vision was blurred as the pleasure overwhelmed her...

* * *

Laura walked down the stairs with the shirt she'd slept in back on- she'd fallen back to sleep for a bit only to wake and find that Robbie had left his place beside her in bed, his empty space was cold. They didn't have to be in work for another couple of hours - both had decided to start work late as there were not really any new cases on and she had reports to catch up on. She was curious as to see what Robbie was getting up too and half way down the stairs she got her answer as she was hit by the smell of bacon. Dread filled her slightly because his reputation as a chef went before him, and memories of the night they'd invited Lizzie and James over for a meal came flooding back. His idea had been to get pizza instead of to cook something, which in the end had turned out to be a very good idea. She padded into the lounge and could hear the radio and the frying of the food on the hob, sizzling, and the unmistakable sound of Robbie whistling to whatever was on the radio.

Laura stood just slightly aback from the kitchen, still in the lounge and looked into the kitchen. Seeing him it up by the morning sun, and she found herself counting her blessings - he may not be able to cook but she was a very lucky woman. He'd opened the back door to let the vast majority of the smell out as it was one of those slightly warm spring mornings to let the dewy morning air in, it made her shiver slightly as she felt the breeze against her skin was only wearing one of Robbie's shirts. She watched how happy he seemed to be. The happiness that when he returned from the British Virgin Islands Laura had thought had been lost forever. But here he was, in their kitchen, cooking food for them, and he was finally happy again and it made _HER_ happy.

She walked into the kitchen and he looked up breaking out in a cheeky grin at seeing her.

'First you wake me up like that and then you appear in the kitchen when I'm cooking breakfast dressed like that'

'Well, aren't you lucky, Mr', she playfully hit him with a tea-towel, 'that I woke up and realised how much I loved you, instead of deciding how much I hated you for your snoring and pushed you out of bed'

'I'm a lucky man', he grinned, turning back to the burnt offerings in the pan. She walked around to where he was cooking and put her arms around him;

'So what did this use to be?' she quipped, trying to make sure he didn't sense her annoyance...

'Bacon….' He looked up and saw she was joking 'Oh very funny'

'It looks like something I could start doing lab tests on', Laura said poking it with a fork 'yup definitely dead' she said laughing. She looked up at him, and then turned around in the embrace; arms his neck and stood on tippy toe and kissed him like she was drowning, moaning with satisfaction as she did.. There was something about this man that just compelled her. Her annoyance over the cooking breakfast faded away.

'I love you so much Inspector Robbie Lewis', she whispered as she broke the kiss.

'I love you too, especially if every time we decide to go into work late you wake me up like that!' he broke into a grin, and his blue eyes sparkled causing Laura's stomach to somersault.

Suddenly, her thoughts were broken by the radio. '_It's late in the evening…._' The first bar of _Wonderful tonight_ by Eric Clapton started out on the radio.

'Listen!' Laura said, smiling at him and reached over to turn up the radio. 'Y'know it played at the Randolph when we went there. That time just after you saved that girl from the boat fire and well… and ever since it's made me smile whenever I hear it, and it just makes me feel so happy whenever I hear it, we were finally…..'

He interrupted her 'Oh luv, I looked at you when that song played that night and I realised how beautiful you looked, and how much I wanted you in my future'

She smiled at him and nestled into him, smelling the soapy smell of him, and felt his sturdy hands on her waist as she put her hands around his neck. Between them they slow danced by the hob, totally at one with each other.

'You really did look wonderful that night… ', Robbie started and Laura looked up at him, and he leant down and met her mouth and kissed her tenderly. He pulled away 'As you do now, pet.'

They kissed tenderly, each taking the time to taste the minty toothpaste they used from each other's tongues. Robbie's hand's started exploring from Laura's sides, and made their way down to rest on Laura's buttock, then he broke away from the kiss and looked at her.

'We should have it play at our wedding, Robbie', The words were out of her mouth before she had time to stop them, **_SHIT Laura._**

She found his reaction strange, as she immediately felt him tense. A reaction he'd never had before. As fast as his reaction had been to tense, and the atmosphere had changed, so, it changed back again

'I never thought this kind of luck would happen twice, thank you very bringing me back to life' he murmured to her looking at her and suddenly she forget about his reaction and lost herself to another kiss.

* * *

Jean woke suddenly, feeling incredibly hot, she could feel the sweat beneath her and on her neck where Al's arm was resting. She felt uncomfortable and wanted to get away from Al as quickly as possibly so carefully she extracted herself from under Al's arm, whilst glancing at the clock to see that it was 2.30. She knew that she needed sleep especially if she was too be on the ball for tomorrow so she walked over to the bathroom, and splashed cold water on herself and her neck, and then grabbed her nighty and put it on. _I'll get the fan from Chris's room and then get a glass of water, and then check up on Laura._

As she clutched the fan and the glass of water, she put her ear to the spare bedroom's door. She could hear something and the more she listened she realised it was sobbing coming from the other side of the door, she knocked and let herself in 'Laura?

The side lamp was on, and Jean in the dim light could see Laura's outline sat on the futon near the window. Jean could see, even in the dim light that Laura was sobbing. Laura quickly tried to cover up her crying, wiping away her tears, but at this point had reached the point where she couldn't breathe properly anymore and she was hiccupping with emotion.

'Oh darling…' putting down both the fan and the glass and walked over to her, sitting beside Laura and brought her into a massive hug.

'So….sorry….if… I… woke….'

Jean cut her dead, 'don't be silly -you didn't, I needed a fan, I woke up feeling so hot, so I thought I'd make sure you were OK.' Smiling at her.

Jean swayed Laura back and forth for a bit, while Laura brought her breathing under control, 'I just started thinking about him, and the last time we had…. Funny business,' Laura eventually said, and then did a laugh which turned into more of a sob when she thought of how Robbie would often call sex that.

'Funny business? Is that a medico legal term you often use Doctor?' Jean quipped, causing another sob laugh and then more tears from the small woman beside her.

They sat there for a while, Jean rocking Laura back and forth, calming her down again. She got up and handed her the half glass of water to Laura, who took it gratefully and took a sip.

'Have you even tried to sleep tonight?' Jean asked gently.

Laura shook her head, 'I was going too, but my mind is on fire, I mean… Hathaway could be the father and…we were so happy' she trailed off and then started again, completely changing the subject '…and it's so warm'

'Yeah it's very humid tonight isn't it? Jean decided to ignore the first part and got up and padded over to the fan she'd brought in, and put it into the switch so that it was resting in the right position over the bed 'Here that should be better!' She said motioning to Laura to get into bed.

'No… Jean, that's yours!'

'Well I'm hardly going to leave you now am I? Come on get on the bed, you should be getting some sleep!' Jean said whilst tossing the blankets off onto the floor and getting onto the bed, thanking her own intuition in bringing in a fan. 'Which side?' she asked forcibly

'But Al…' Laura started

'Al's a big man, Laura, he'll cope if he wakes to find I'm not there - he'll probably think I'm sleeping in Chris's room due to his snoring. So, which side?'

Laura pointed to the right, figuring it was best not to argue with Jean, and got up to join Jean in bed, feeling the fan's blissful cool air blowing down on her. She felt so tired, yet, was struggling to get everything out of her mind, she settled down next to Jean, who immediately got her hand and held it.

'Laura, I just wanted to say, together we'll…. Get through it.' She said rubbing Laura's hand, and saying it to believe it as much for herself as she was for Laura.

Laura felt her eyes closing now that she was next to someone, she felt safer, perhaps it was something to do with the someone being the Detective Superintendent, she didn't miss Jean saying we but felt suddenly too tired to query it. Instead Jean felt her nestle into the side of her body even though it was warm and snuggle up to her. _Oh Laura._

'I want to wake up… dream.. Dallas…. Bobby…' Laura mumbled into Jean's side as sleep slowly began to take her over, Jean smiled sadly at her knowing full well what Laura was talking about. Laura's breathing steadily evened out and Jean allowed herself to fall asleep knowing Laura was safely asleep and away from the pain. As she drifted off she allowed herself to think about the coming day hoping it wouldn't be as bad and wouldn't hold any surprises.


	11. Chapter 11

Laura woke slowly, as her eyes opened a hazy confusion enveloped her. _This is definitely not my room _she thought as she focused on the egg blue ceiling. _Where the hell am I? _Then as quickly as the confusion hit, it passed, replaced by her new reality. She struggled to keep the sob in her throat from escaping. Her eyes closed unwilling to accept it was day. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep, forget everything. Her mind had another plan, it was already on fire. Trying to fall back to sleep was pointless.

She sighed and slowly opened her eyes again looking at the sunlight dancing over room, the slight breeze from the open window blowing the curtains into the room. What she guessed was a bee decided to inspect the open window and its buzzing migrated into the room. It was broken only by the noise from an aeroplane coming in through the open window breaking the calm of the morning; _lucky bastards_. The clock beside her that she could ignore last night was now noisy in its haste to inform her of the time although she tried her best to ignore it.

Downstairs, dogs barked. A male voice, she assumed Alex, was telling them to stop. For everyone else on the planet, it was a usual summer's day. But for her it was anything but, she wanted to get out of bed and yell at the world to stop everything. A bit of poetry made its way through the tiredness of her mind, "_Stop all the clocks, cut of the telephone_, _Prevent the dog from barking a juicy bone…" *_

Then her mind went blank and the usual exhaustion she'd become accustomed to washed over her like a wave and rest of the poem was lost to the back of her mind. She lay there in the soft warm bed for a few moments trying to compose herself, aware that she felt nauseous but nothing too bad thankfully. She watched the sunlight bounce off a necklace onto the wall, a wonderful display of light. She casually moved her leg over onto the side where she knew Jean had slept. From the delicious coolness that enveloped her, she knew Jean had been gone some time. She rolled to that side revelling in the coolness, hoping it would help reduce the nausea.

She closed her eyes still vainly hoping to shut the world out. The clock continued ticking and Laura realised she could no longer ignore it. She turned her head to study it and realised with some shock it was already 7. She should be getting up, getting ready to go to work; embracing normality. Today though she really didn't feel like it, she didn't want to fake a smile, pretend to be civil, act normal. She felt physical pain at the thought of having to leave the comfort of the bed and face the world. _It isn't by some miracle Saturday is it? _

Laura resisted the urge to get up, instead turning over again laying her head against the coolness of the pillow, away from the sunlight streaming through the crack in the curtain. _I__'ll just be late –they'll cope _she thought, something that she would never have thought several months ago. She closed her eyes just as a lawn mower interrupted the calm summer morning. I_t's 7am! Who the HELL mows at 7!?_

She nestled further into the pillow trying to ignore the mower as a now familiar wave of nausea hit her. This couldn't be ignored. She scrambled out of bed, running for the toilet barely managing to get there in time. _There's absolutely no ignoring the day now_ she thought as she finished heaving the small contents of her stomach into the bowl. _Right Laura Hobson, get up, get dressed and meet the world. _

She stood slowly, hoping not to upset her stomach again. Stepping carefully, she navigated her way to the shower, noting the towel Jean had left for her. Turning the water to hot she pushed back the threatening tears. As she stepped into the hot torrent of water, she stopped fighting. Tears cascaded from her eyes safe. She was safe in the knowledge no one would hear her, the water would cover it up.

She knew though as she cried she really needed the answer to the question of just who the hell the father was. She knew the anxiety was making her feeling worse. _It's better to face it head on. But if it's the result of a drunken one night? What then?! _Moretears fell as she posed the question in her mind.

As she towelled herself down afterwards she mentally scanned through the people she knew owed her a small favour who might be able to provide her with an answer. She should go to the GP's first, but, that wouldn't answer the question, merely confirm what she already knew. She would need a scan. _Emma Reynolds works in maternity._ She shook her head, dismissing the thought. The woman was a hopeless gossip and Laura didn't want everyone knowing.

"Shit" she cried out loud. She debated for a moment whether she could use Emma and then realised she couldn't. It would be half way across Oxford by dinner, and if it was Hathaway's he'd know before she could tell him. Hathaway worked too hard to shy away from gossip she could do that to him.

Laura made her way downstairs to the kitchen. She stood in the corridor watching Alex standing by the hob stirring something rapidly. He was wearing faded pair of boxers and a loose fitting t-shirt to match the already warm summer morning. As Laura watched she realised the man didn't look half bad. _Jean's a lucky woman_. Taking in the sight of the kitchen and him hard at work and realised she didn't have the energy to walk in and make conversation. Instead, she stood, leaning against the door frame and watched him. She smiled sadly at the picture of the domestic bliss, Alex suddenly changing into Robbie before her eyes. Laura gasped at the image in front of her and shook her head to free herself from the image. I_t's not him, Laura. It's your mind!_ She blinked and Robbie was gone. Sighing she gathered her already exhausted body walked into the kitchen.

"Morning," her voice made him jump slightly.

He look up from what he was doing, "Morning Laura - just making scrambled eggs." He pointed to the pan, "I heard the water stop, figured you would be coming down soon. Jean told me morning sickness was taking it out of you. I took the liberty of making you breakfast, eggs were usually the best thing for her when she had it.'

"Oh thanks, you shouldn't have." She pointed toward the door, "I should be heading off to work." His unexpected kindness catching her off guard. She glanced up at the clock and realised she was going to be late regardless. She tried backing out of the room, needing to escape.

"No you won't," he put the pan onto the ring that wasn't lit and quickly walked over to her. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders, steering her to the stool. "Sit down, have something to eat and drink." A kind smile lit his face at Laura's hesitation, "I'm under strict instructions from The Iron Maiden." Her resignation made him smile. He winked at her as he walked back to the pan and started making her a plate.

"Ahhh, I won't try and argue then." Throwing her arms up in surrender she sat in the stool he'd guided her to, "Has she gone to work?" Laura smiled thinking to herself. _Jean obviously wore the trousers at home as well as at work_.

He shook his head, "She's out walking the dogs before it gets too warm. She's already rung in to say you would both be late. She figured that you probably needed the sleep." He smiled cheekily at her, "Benefits of being the boss!"

Laura knew her old self would probably be angry with Jean for taking liberties. But at the moment she had to agree that Jean probably had a point, she was absolutely exhausted and was grateful for the extra hour in bed.

"Coffee's over there," he said pointing to the coffee machine. Laura grimaced, Al saw it straight away, "Ah…coffee as well? That must be painful - how does a morning cuppa sound?"

Laura smiled, nodding her head, "Like ambrosia." She watched him move to make her a cup of tea, _I hope he doesn't want to make conversation. I don't have the energy._

Al nodded. He placed the plate in front of her. "You get started on these, made with loving care by my own hands."

Laura hesitantly tried the egg, eating it slowly at first, worried at any minute her stomach might revolt against the food. Al slowly studied the small petite blonde in front of him and wondered what she was like before all of this. He noticed how slowly and how hesitantly she was eating.

"Don't worry it's not laced with poison," he said over the noise of the kettle. Laura looked up and he winked at her, "I may not be the greatest cook but I haven't killed anyone yet. Although come to think of it that may have more to do with being married to a Chief Super." He laughed as he poured out the tea.

Laura smiled at him , "Yeah it would probably scare me into being on my best behaviour all the time too." She realised as she said it the egg was settling her stomach and started eating with slightly more enthusiasm.

"Now you're eating that like you haven't seen food for days,' he quipped. Holding up the cup, "How do you take it? Milk? Sugar?"

"A bit of both thanks, say a spoonful of sugar. I haven't, really… it just won't allow me, this is the first time…" She pointed at the eggs as she took another bite.

He took a slight bow, "See! Chef Alex to the rescue." She laughed slightly at the absurdity of it. Handing her the cup, "I hope you slept OK!" He was pleased to see a slight bit of colour in her cheeks.

She nodded, her mouth full of egg. She swallowed the bite. Pointing toward the door, "Thanks. I did. I would have stayed in bed longer if it wasn't for…"

"Ah yes, Don. Retired. Bit of a nuisance when you're trying to have a lie on a Saturday,' Alex finished the sentence for her.

"Sorry for stealing your wife last night by the way," Laura looked at him apologetically.

"She was probably relieved she didn't have to listen to my snoring," he joked. He watched her, his face turning more serious, " You know Laura… '

Looking down at her plate she though _Oh god, why destroy a nice moment_. She forked a few more bites into her mouth trying to avoid his gaze.

Alex saw her look away, panic setting in and berated himself, _why the hell have I started this? I'm going to say the wrong thing. _He took a deep breath, in for a penny in for a point, "I know Jean cares about you a great deal. I just want to say, come rain or shine, well…' he sighed not sure where to go from here. "Basically I just wanted to say, it's hard enough being pregnant with a partner who gets wrapped around your feet, but… well… Jean and… well, me…we will be here for you."

Laura smiled at his awkwardness. She'd thought this would be painful but found she was relieved, "Thanks Alex, I really appreciate that."

He draped an arm around her in a weird side armed squeeze, "What I would add is she's a bit of a controller, my wife. Sometimes she just needs to be told she is out of bounds. Don't be afraid to do it, I'll back you up.

Laura laughed for the first time in days. Teasingly she smiled at Alex, "You don't say. She isn't called the Iron Maiden for nothing"

He tipped his cup to her, "Truer words." They were interrupted by three dogs trotting into the kitchen through the open back door. The dogs made a beeline for Laura as she finished scraping her plate. "The Iron Maiden's home," Alex winked at her and Laura laughed slightly whilst she fussed over the eager dogs...

* * *

*** Poem excerpt taken from W. - 'Funeral Blues' / 'Stop all the clocks'**


	12. Chapter 12

Jean followed the dogs smiling at Al leaning against the cabinet drinking his cup of tea, "I need a shower after that, it's so warm already!" Laura noted how relaxed she looked, not a trace of Chief Super present.

"Oh you're up Laura," Jean said in surprise. "I wasn't expecting you to wake for another hour or so. I hope Al told you I phoned in for both of us?" Laura nodded and Jean continued, "Good, one less thing to worry about." She nodded toward Laura's empty plate, "I see you've had breakfast. His scrambled eggs are one of the only things that got me through the first trimester." Reaching across she took Alex's cup and drank from it, "Seriously, Alex? Please go put some trousers on. The last thing Laura needs is seeing you first thing in the morning in just your boxers!"

"Oh I don't know, somehow it went well with the eggs," Laura quipped. Both women burst out laughing as Alex held up his hands in mock surrender.

"I've had an idea." Jean walked over to the kettle to make her own cup of tea. She watched as Laura drained her own cup.

As he walked out of the kitchen Alex smiled back at her, "Careful honey, that could be dangerous." He grinned at Laura whilst Jean rolled her eyes at him.

Trying to keep a straight face Laura turned back to Jean, "Yes?"

"I imagine you want to get an answer or two rather quickly," Jean asked. Laura opened her mouth to speak and Jean held up her hand. "I know someone who works in the General, Lizzie, she's in maternity. She owes me a favour. This seems like the perfect time to call in the favour. She could do your scan, give you some dates. THEN, you'll be able to move on and we don't have to wait weeks for it. She's someone who wouldn't spread gossip in general and will be even less inclined if I am there. What do you think?'

Laura opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to find the words. At last she smiled weakly, "I think we might be linked telepathically."

"Sorry?" Jean cocked her head to one side.

"I was thinking exactly the same thing in the shower earlier. Only I don't know anyone who's not a gossip at the Radcliffe…'

Jean smiled wildly at her, "So we're in agreement then?'

Laura nodded, "Completely, I need to know. By the time I do it routinely it'll have eaten me away.'

Arching an eyebrow, Jean nodded, "That's what I thought. And I'm glad you said yes, because the appointment is at 6."

"So even if I'd said no, I would still be going." Laura interrupted feeling a bit put out. Jean nodded smugly. Anger started building in Laura, "So there was absolutely no point in you asking me how I felt about it?"

"Of course there was. This way I would know whether I had to cajole you into coming or not."

Laura laughed again, in spite of herself. She realized she had last more this morning than she had in weeks, "Ah, I see. So, um, good plan." She dropped her head for a moment then looked up to meet Jean's eyes, "Thanks Jean, I really appreciate it.'

Jean shrugged, slightly uncomfortable with the emotion. Nonchalantly she flipped on the kettle, 'Are you going into work today?'

"That is the plan. Take my mind of everything. What's better then thinking about something growing inside of you and wondering who the father is then dealing with dead people? At least they don't ask you questions, just your colleagues.'

Jean laughed, "Is that why you work with corpses? So that you don't have to deal with questions?

"Definitely, I can get on with my work without my clients asking inane questions. Though I'm pretty sure it makes me a therapists dream," she joked.

"I can see the upside to that." Jean poured some milk into her tea, "In that case, I'll come by the lab around five thirty. We can go from there, I'll drive."

"I can go by myself, Jean." As soon as she said it Laura questioned herself.

"Nonsense Laura, I'm coming with you, you're not going through this by yourself!"

Relief swept through her, "Are you sure? You don't have to."

"Very. The criminal fraternity of Oxford can bloody well wait. I'm going to be there today, holding your hand when you find out, and that's it!"

* * *

Less is more folks ;)


	13. Chapter 13

At 5:00 PM, Laura walked into the locker room. She'd been on auto pilot for most of the day and luckily for her there hadn't been any complicated cases. As it was, she'd left her assistant to finish the last things on her last PM of the day. She changed quickly before chucking her scrubs in the bin. The exhaustion she'd been trying to keep at bay washed over her.

She sat on the bench in the middle of the room, allowing her mind to wander for the first time that day. She was grateful that James hadn't appeared today. A conversation with him had been the last thing she needed or wanted. A jagged laugh escaped her as a thought filtered through her mind. _He's young enough to be my son!_ The absurdity of the situation brought on more laughter, the brittleness of it filled the room. _How would they cope, together as parents?! _

Sighing, Laura gathered her things and made her way to the car park. Distracted by her own thoughts she didn't notice the tall, lanky frame of James Hathaway on a collision course with her until she ran smack into him.

"And the fire is where?"

She cursed to herself knowing who it was before she even heard the voice. The skinny chest, skinny tie and odour of cigarette gave it away. She looked up at him appalled by what she saw. His face was unshaven, his eyes blood shot, "James did you sleep last night? You look…"

"Terrible?" he queried

"Well I would have gone with knackered, but yeah that'll do too." She kept a slight distance from him a guilty thought running through her mind. _Please James be able to look after yourself, I can't cope with this and you._

He brushed off her concern, "Who needs sleep? I'm young and it's over rated."

She recognized his bristly indifference, "Right, James I can safely say whoever came up with that idea either very young and probably on drugs or a complete idiot. Neither which you are." Laura glanced past his arm to the front door of the hospital. Even though it was in a dire need of a clean she could still see Jean's Volvo parked outside, and a distinctly annoyed Jean getting out of it

"You OK," he asked curiously. He followed her furtive glances past him, "Expecting to see someone?"

"What?" she looked back at him. His words dawning on her and not wanting to draw any more attention she nodded, "Yeah fine, great. Just I need to be somewhere now. Your boss is taking me, and I'm already late. And you know how she is when you keep her waiting." She tried to move past him.

He felt her move past him, then grabbed her arm, "Wait, you and… Jean?" James squinted, trying to take in the information. _Was that where she was last night? If so, what the hell were they doing together?_

"Yes, me and Jean and I have to go." Seeing his confusion she softened her tone, "Look, I'll explain everything later." As she moved to the door she added a much later in her mind.

Before she could open the door, Jean pulled it open and walked in. She spotted Laura instantly then James. Her demeanour changed. She pulled herself to her full height and walked confidently toward them. Laura was amazed at the change in her from this morning.

"Hathaway? What are you doing here?" She asked, her voice laced with the authority

"Ma'am Well I…"

"Hathaway you look as if you haven't shaved in days. I am fairly certain I have made it perfectly clear on more than one occasion that I require my officers to come to work clean shaven." James looked down, contrite. Jean continued, "Why, in fact, are you here? Not avoiding me or the station I hope? The fact you're not on any cases at the moment, does make me rather suspicious. You haven't suddenly developed an increased fondness of dead bodies, have you?'

"Ma'am, definitely not." He paused, searching for an answer, "I er… well, Ma'am… DI Piper has taken to using me as a bag man and sent me down here to get some results for him."

Jean arched her eyebrow, "Has he now? Well he and I are going to have a conversation. You may be on paperwork duty for the time being – which might be elongated if you don't to shave again – but he hasn't the right to get you to do DS Patrickson's work." Dismissing James, she turned to Laura, "Are you ready to go? I'm somewhat relieved to find you here and not elbow deep in some… corpse," visibly shuddering at the thought.

Laura nodded, and smiled at James as she walked past him.

"I'll see you later then," James called after her_._

"Probably," she said over her shoulder, following Jean outside.

Laura followed quickly on Jean's heels, "Thanks for that Jean, sorry I was late." Laura shielded her eyes against the sun as it beamed down on them.

Jean clicked her key fob, unlocking the doors, "Don't be, I was late myself, trying to sort out a rape investigation. Sometimes I really do wonder about my officers." She opened the door settling into the plush leather seating. She turned to Laura who was doing up her seat belt and nodded in the general direction of where they'd just emerged, "He was smoking outside and I thought perhaps he'd just been in. But as I parked up, he went in so I thought you might need some help if he came looking for you.'

"Do you think he suspects anything?" Laura looked at her, as Jean put the key into the ignition and the cooling breeze of the air conditioning came rushing out.

"He's a detective Laura – it's his job to suspect something." Jean swung round to make sure she didn't reverse into anything as she reversed out of the space, "By the looks of him he didn't get much sleep last night." Jean put the car into gear and started pulling out of the lot, "Did you say anything to him?"

"Like what, that I'm pregnant and it may or may not be his baby? No, can't say it came up in the conversation we were having outside my office or the text I sent him last night." The brittleness returned to Laura's voice. _Does Jean really think I'm that insensitive?_

Jean drove in silence. _No need to push, Laura would come to her when she was ready_. It only took a few moments and Jean heard a deep intake of breath. "Oh God I'm sorry Jean. I didn't mean to snap. Just if it is his, I wouldn't even know how to start that conversation. I can't even imagine how it would work. Christ, Jean he's young enough to be my son!"

"Laura it is fine. I understand the stress you are under. Plus you look almost as exhausted as Hathaway and that can't help. If, and you must remember that it's a big if, if it comes down to it, something can be worked out.'

'Jean I've never been so tired in all my life," Laura admitted, ignoring the last part.

Jean nodded, "I'm not surprised, I was exhausted when I was in my first trimester. Plus you have grief piled on top of you…'

Silently, Laura out the window. They passed through Oxford high street towards Banbury. She wondered about the life decisions she'd made recently. "I can't believe it's come down to this me. I finally get pregnant and I don't know who the father is. Someone 'up there' is having a joke on my behalf?!"

"In my experience these things happen, and it usually comes from a rather huge amount of alcohol. You can't blame yourself."

"Who can I blame if I don't blame myself? James, Robbie for dying or that fucking psycho wanting to show off to Lawrie? Or that fucking Lawrie for even doing it in the first place, Sweet Jesus. Such a mess!'

"Laura," Jean said softly. She reached for her hand, squeezing it lightly. She tried to hide her shock at hearing the anger in Laura's words.

Laura ignored her, staring out the window. Her internal monologue finally finding a voice after all of these weeks. The poem from earlier in the day filtered through her mind again. This time she gave it voice, "…He was my North, my South, my East and West. My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong….'*

Jean glanced at her as she drove, "Auden." Laura nodded as if confirming what Jean already knew. Jean continued, "I've always found it such a beautiful poem, mum read it out loud when Dad died.'

"I remembered it this morning briefly. Then it flittered out of my brain. Just now it was back." She stared out the window again, "It's true though. I never really realised what it meant until now. He was my everything Jean." She turned to look at Jean, "I can't remember a time without him here. When I started working in Oxford, he was here. He was married to Val and was this happy go lucky sergeant, and we could have a laugh, usually at Morse's expense. Then after Val was killed even as he drank too much we grew closer. I tried to help him and when he was offered the attachment I told him it was the best thing to do. I knew staying in Oxford would have killed him otherwise."

She sighed, wondering whether she could trust Jean as much as she thought. It didn't matter, she had to share this with someone, "I haven't told anyone this, but I feel with Robbie…dying…. It's completely taken me away from me." Laura paused, unsure how to continue, "I've always been strong, confident. I had to be. I was a woman in a man's world, especially back in the days when I met Robbie. But I've held my own, blazed my own path." A jagged cry escaped, "And now….now I feel like I don't know myself. I feel fragile and vulnerable and lost, like I don't know what's what anymore. I hate myself for feeling so vulnerable. Before Robbie, I would have done this by myself without a thought. But now, I'm just glad you're helping me. I feel, I don't know, needy I guess and I hate it. I feel as if I've lost a limb. On top of that, if this baby isn't his…'

Tears filled Jean's eyes, "It's grief. You'll get there and when you do you'll be stronger for it. I know you must be sick of platitudes but it's the truth. I felt just like you do when dad died and when Al left. You can be as needy as you want with me, I don't mind. I guess Hathaway isn't helping matters." She saw Laura shake her head out of the corner of her eye, "You'll get back to that person again. It will be a slightly different version of her but you'll be that Laura Hobson again. Have you tried grief counselling?" Jean turned to look at her "Perhaps you should."

"I don't know… I haven't really thought about it. I know Robbie did when Val died, he felt press ganged into it. He went for one session, and it did it him no good."

"That would explain his hatred towards shrinks. Robbie was enigmatic though about," Jean started.

"Not to me," Laura interrupted quietly.

"The last few weeks have been fucking awful though," Jean trailed off not really knowing where she was going with her argument. It had been awful for her, watching both Hathaway and Laura, and even witnessing Tony Maddox coming to the station. Lizzie and Robbie's funerals and memorials. But even so she couldn't really properly understand what it must have been like for Laura. When she had split from it had been awful, she had spent the majority of her time at work dreading going home but now she couldn't again imagine going home to an empty house. She reached out to Laura and put a hand on her leg. She had no idea how she'd react or be if this was happening to her rather than the small vulnerable fragile looking woman sitting next to her. For the rest of the journey both women were silent, lost in their own thoughts...

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**Hope you enjoy this chapter - were getting nearer to the reveal, promise! On another note, I love reading all your review just as much as I enjoy writing this, and planning it. **

***Except from - Funeral Blues / Stop all the Clocks.**


	14. Chapter 14

As they pulled into the Horton General in record time, Laura tried to control her nerves by breathing in and out deeply and slowly. It was something she'd always done since she'd taken her O-levels and Mrs. Robinson her maths teacher had told her that although it was great for child birth, it was fantastic for nerves and that 'pesky butterfly feeling.' Her friends had taken the mickey when she'd done it for every exam and for every time she'd felt nervous since, but she paid them no mind, it worked for her. Now seeing the sign 'Horton General', she needed this technique more than ever.

"Laura," Jean killed the engine of the car as she parked. "Are you alright?"

"Never less so in my entire life. Shit. I don't think I can do this, Jean."

Jean looked at her, "You can do this. You need to anyway, it's the only way you will get the answers you need. I'm going to be right beside you." She reached over and grabbed Laura's hand, "Laura look at me." Laura turned to her, and Jean looked into her blue eyes, "You can get through this. There is no escape and it's the most sensible thing to do. And you are one of the most sensible people I know."

Laura nodded and said quietly, "Yeah I know, but…"

'No, no buts,' Jean said in her best Chief Superintendent's voice. Laura immediately realised there would be no budging. All she wanted to do was to run away; get out the car and run but she knew that she wouldn't be running away from her situation.

"I feel sick," she muttered.

'Well we're in the right place then!"

Jean pulled her hand away giving Laura some space. Reaching around, she grabbed her bag off the back seat. Laura watched her cautiously. Jean rummaged through the bag, "I can never find anything I want in here! Bloody receipts!'

Laura reached for her small bag at her feet, "At least let me pay for the parking. You've been so nice to drive me here, arrange everything?"

"Definitely not. I'm an officer of the Law and we do have some benefits." Triumphantly Jean pulled out a parking badge. She smiled at Laura's horrified face, "Sorry, but I'm not paying a five pounds fifty just to be parked here for an hour. If anyone asks I'm on official business. She put the pass on her dashboard and opened her door, "Come on then, are you going to sit there all day? We're already late!"

They made their way through the hospital to the maternity ward. Jean shuddered at the white walls, and the smell of disinfectant. She'd never liked hospitals, and even less so now as memories came flooding back from walking hospital corridors when her father died or more recently walking in to see Robbie tied up to machines at ICU, bleeping. Half his head shaved, looking battered and bruised. Then, the horrific moment when the heart monitor flat lined. People rushing in pushing all of them out. She remembered pacing with Hathaway up and down the corridor. Then the consultant emerging. She'd known from the look on his face it was the worst news. The screams from Laura, Lyn hysterically crumbling in the corner and Hathaway sat there in the uncomfortable hospital seat curled up, head in hands.

She shook her head, trying to free her mind of the memories of that night. She needed to be here, dealing with this situation not lost in a nightmare. Casting a glance at Laura she realized she was experiencing the same déjà vu. Placing an arm around her, she pulled the smaller woman tightly to her, hoping it would provide some small measure of comfort. It was the only thing she could do.

"Here we are," Jean said needlessly. A woman with curly ginger hair was standing just inside the door way. "Liz, sorry we're late, but thanks so much for doing this!" She leaned down to the woman planting a quick kiss to her cheek.

"Hi, Jean. It's fine. Is this Laura?" Laura nodded and the woman continued, "Right fantastic. I hear this is your first scan." Again Laura nodded, "There's no need to be nervous it is all very routine. Jean mentioned you wanted an estimation of how far along you are? Typically we don't do that without a consult from a GP, but as Jean probably explained I owe her a favour."

"As I said, its very kind," Jean interrupted. Her pleasant façade had slipped somewhat. The smile on her face now would never have been described as anything but fake by those who knew her.

Sensing the change in Jean, Liz smiled back at Laura, "Come with me then, do you want Jean to come too?"

Jean butted in before Laura could speak, "Absolutely!"

Liz guided her down the hall to a private room. Laura desperately tried to concentrate on breathing, "Have you ever had one of these before?"

Laura shook her head, "It's my first." Liz opened the door and held it open for the two women. Laura walked slowly in looking around.

"Ok great! Go ahead behind the screen and remove your trousers. You can leave on your shirt but pull it up fully revealing your abdomen. There is a gown back there if you prefer. That way I won't get any gel on your clothes. Once you're changed, I'll need you up on the examining table with your feet in the stirrups and your bottom at the very edge of the table. Once you are settled I will put the ultrasound gel on your abdomen. It helps conduct the sonic waves through your abdomen so we can get good contact between you and the machine. I'll then press the probe into your skin, and that will send out ultrasonic waves and pick them up when they bounce back, then we should be able to see your baby. Any questions?'

Laura shook her head. T_his is so surreal _she thought as she looked around. Of course I know how an ultrasound works, anger bubbled in her then she pushed it aside. She gave Liz a tight smile, "No, no questions."

Liz stepped out of the room to allow Laura a bit of privacy. Jean looked away only turning back when she hear Laura push the screen away. She offered her hand to Laura to help her onto the table. Once Laura was settled she knocked on the door.

Liz entered the room and busied herself with prepping Laura. She dumped the cold liquid onto her abdomen and cringed at the look from Jean Innocent. Not wanting to risk the woman's ire she went to work, gently pressing the wand into Laura's abdomen. She moved it around, taking measurements, writing them carefully on a pad.

Laura squeezed Jean's hand tightly as the black and white image of the blurry foetus sat on the screen. A cascade of tears falling from her eyes, and she stared up at Jean who despite her cynicism had a glassy expression as tears sprang into her own eyes and they both looked at each other.

Liz motioned to the monitor, "Here's the gestational sac. I would estimate the size at 29-33 mm." Flipping a switch on the machine she smiled at Laura, "Here's the heartbeat."

Laura smiled, listening to the fast beat. She knew from her medical training it was normal. She also knew the earliest it could be heard was typically nine weeks. She looked back at Jean, relief washing over her, "It's Robbie's."

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I realise I have drawn this part of the story out far too long - however I would like to develop the story further (albeit slowly,) as I keep thinking up new ideas for it. As ever reviews most welcome - love hearing your opinions :)


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